4 Years Later

I forgot my son's birthday today.  I feel incredible guilt for it but I am also relieved.  Maybe I am healing.  The pain is still there but it has dulled.  I don't think about him every day.  I have found joy in my living children; two of which would not be here without Nathan's loss.  He would have been four today but in the craziness of life I missed it.  We usually take fresh flowers to his grave together as a family.  Maybe it is finally time to move on.

Just a Clarification

I just want to point out that this blog is here to help me sort through my feelings and possibly help others through my experiences.  What you see, for the most part, are the bad days.  I think the fact that I hadn't posted since December of last year speaks volumes.  Things are busy here.  I'm teaching my three oldest while taking care of Henry (8 months old tomorrow!)  I have lots of good days now.   We have settled at a new church and have gotten down to the business of getting to know the people there and seeing where we fit in.  Every time we hear our pastor preach we take one more step toward healing past hurts.  He has reminded us that Nathan's loss is not our fault.  It's not a sin on our part that caused it like has been suggested to us in the past.  We are reassured over and over that what happened at our previous church is not our fault.  Sometimes the worst sinners are in the pulpit. 
I have struggled over the past few months in my relationship with God.  I have questioned His character and my own worthiness of His love.  I have been reminded that God is not human and we cannot use human standards to understand His ways.  I have learned that I need to rest in Him and stop trying to earn my way to Heaven.  I can't do it.  Jesus did it for me.  I am weary.  I needed to hear that.  I needed to rest.  I needed to escape the legalism I thought I had already left behind. 
This blog is just a small part of my life.  People need to know that what they are feeling is normal.  They need to see that there is no time limit on grief.  There is no map to get through it.  You don't wake up one day and say, "That's it, I'm done grieving."  It is a process.  I can say that the farther out you get, the farther apart the bad days are.  I can tell you that what you feel is normal.  Don't let other people tell you how to grieve.  Don't let anyone else tell you when you should be done.  But take care not to get stuck in your grief.  Grief is a journey and progress should be made.  How much progress is an individual thing.  You may take one step forward and three steps back sometimes.  That is okay.  Just take it one day at a time.  Some seem to be over a loss quickly, others are still grieving years later.  Grief is messy and very personal.  I share my journey, but it is solely mine.  Your journey will be different; it has to be.  I just hope and pray that you will read my journey and get some comfort from it. 

Why, God?

I am struggling this week.  We got pregnant with Nathan in March of 2010.  That makes this month hard.  And I am struggling with why this had to happen.  I wonder if the purpose is to help other moms who lose their babies.  So when someone announces a pregnancy I am simultaneously happy and scared.  Will this be the one I am supposed to help?  So, when someone goes through their whole pregnancy and have the end result of a healthy baby I am relieved.  That happened this week.  I think, "Not her," and I breathe a sigh of relief. And I wait for the emotional roller coaster to start again.  I pray hard for pregnant women and their unborn babies.  I hope that I am wrong and I never have to help someone else through this.  I'm not strong enough.  I still hurt too much.  I'm not sure the pain will ever go away.  How much help would I be to someone if I'm crying too hard to comfort them? 
When we went through the trouble at our previous church I wondered what the purpose was.  Now that we're out I can see clearly why it happened.  We're at a healthy, thriving church filled with loving, Christian people.  We are out of a very toxic environment.  It is very clear why that happened.  A year and a half after losing Nathan I still see no big purpose to it.  No why, just pain and more pain.  Sure, there are little things here and there; things Nathan taught me, but all I can think is, why couldn't I have learned these lessons another way?  Why did it have to be through losing him?  People tell me, "oh, maybe Nathan had something wrong with him and that's why he's gone."  What they don't get is I loved him anyway.  It sounds like they are telling me I'm better off without him.  Never.  People think it's okay now that Henry is here.  I love Henry.  I would die for him, the same as I would Jack, Anna, or Katherine.  And I would have died for Nathan, too.  I want the impossible.  I want Henry and Nathan, too.  No parent should ever be left here on earth while their baby is in the grave.  And I'm not sure I will ever fully understand why this had to happen.  And I pray with each pregnancy I learn about that it does not happen to them.  It's a pain I wish on no one.  It's a pain I wish I didn't have to experience.  I still miss him everyday.  Why, God?  Why do you get to hold him and I don't?

Christmas is Hard

Here I am, on Christmas, trying not to cry.  I rocked Henry and while I rocked him I thought, "I should have been doing this with Nathan last year."  People would ask me when my baby was due and I would say December 28th.  The response was always, "What a wonderful Christmas present."  And that is how I thought of him.  My very own living, breathing, Christmas present.  But he died and never even took a breath and I am left without him.  In some ways it is easier with Henry here and in others it makes it harder.  I can see exactly what I missed with Nathan.  Henry watched me open his Christmas presents and I laughed while he tossed every single one of them off the Bumbo tray to the floor.  I will never help Nathan open any gifts or watch him toss them with delight.  Henry was tired after all the commotion and I got to take him upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I will never take Nathan upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I struggle to be happy during Christmastime.  I make an effort for my kids.  But last year's Christmas present was taken from me and I can't help but be sad.  So I am down today when I should be happy.  I am struggling not to cry.  I miss my son so much it hurts.  And I'm not sure Christmas will ever be the same again.

The Duggars

I haven't watched their show or really followed a whole lot of the publicity on the Duggars but they got my attention last week.  I had heard that Michelle was pregnant with her 20th baby and I thought she was crazy with what had happened last time.  I feel she was risking her life getting pregnant again but I am not her doctor nor am I her.  It was her decision.  When I heard about her miscarriage last week I felt so bad for her.  She was just a little less far along than I was when we lost Nathan.  It is hard.  It doesn't matter whether it's your first baby or your 20th, losing a baby stinks.  I have watched, horrified, as people have commented on her situation.  There are so many people who have written in on news articles stating that this was God's way of telling her she is done having children.  That she should take the hint and quit.  That she is somehow responsible for this outcome because of her age/family size/beliefs.  I hope she never reads them.  It's hard enough grieving without being in the public eye.  I cannot imagine grieving in front of millions of people.  People who see fit to judge you for your decisions.  I was guilty of it when I heard about her pregnancy and I am sorry for it.  It is not my place to judge her and her decisions. 
Now, pictures of little Jubilee's precious hands and feet have been spread all over the web.  The Duggars are being judged for that as well.  People are calling the pictures "controversial." Why?  They are sweet pictures of a life lost.  I found myself comparing Jubilee's hands and feet to Nathan's.  His fingers were longer, but then again, all of our babies had long fingers.  Her feet looked very much like Nathan's feet did.  I saw the pictures and I cried.  I hurt for the Duggars and what they are going through right now.  And I still hurt for my little family.  In a lot of ways we have moved on but there are moments here and there to remind us of what we are missing.  I still look at Henry and wonder if Nathan's smile would have looked like his. (He has a great smile.)  I see babies born last December and wonder if Nathan would have been doing all of the same things.   Nathan's due date is fast approaching and that familiar longing is still there.  I continue to mourn for my sweet Nathan and my prayers are with the Duggar family as they process this loss and try to deal with the reality of life after losing a child. 

A cold and rainy day

Dear Nathan,

The Walk to Remember is going on right now and we're not there.  We haven't forgotten you.  It's a cold and rainy day and we didn't want your baby brother out in that kind of weather.  Also, your sister has a sinus infection and needs to stay home and get better.  I hate to miss it. There will be no tulip planted in your memory this year.  Daddy asked me last night why I even wanted to go back this year.  I have thought about it and I think it's because life is going at a very fast clip right now and I wanted to stop and think about you for just a little while.  I can't even hear myself think most of the time.  But you are there, in the back of my mind all the time.  We all look at life through our own personal filters and you are a permanent part of mine.  I still see everything though the loss of you.  I guess that's why your baby brother is a tad bit spoiled.  We just now put him out of our bedroom and I panicked.  I know what losing a child feels like and I am scared to death that I will have to go through that again.  I felt better having him where I could hear him breathe.  I remember checking on your older siblings when they were sleeping just to make sure they were okay.  It's worse this time around.  The whole process of parenting is letting go and that is hard.  Henry needs to have space to grow and learn.  He can't do that if I smother him.  But, just for today, I will squeeze him a little tighter and remember you, my precious Nathan, whom I never got to see grow.  Goodbye, little one. 
                                                                                                Love you always,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Baby Dedication

Nathan, we had Henry's baby dedication today.  That's where we promise to teach him all about God and the church agrees to support us with that.  I got a little sad.  I realized that I cannot teach you anything.  You don't need me to teach you about God.  You already know way more than I do about Him.  I am sad you're not here for me to teach but I'm also jealous of you.  You already have all of the answers to the questions I want to ask God.  You know why God chose to let you die.  You have no doubts or fears.  Your every want and need is met before you even have to ask.  You get to feel God's presence all of the time.  You never feel alone.  You're never sad.  You never miss anyone.  I can't wait to get to Heaven.  It will be that much sweeter because I finally get to meet you for the first time.  I promise to raise your baby brother (and your other siblings) to know all that I can teach them about God so that they will choose to love God and come to meet you, too.  I still miss you every day, sweet baby boy.