Christmas is Hard

Here I am, on Christmas, trying not to cry.  I rocked Henry and while I rocked him I thought, "I should have been doing this with Nathan last year."  People would ask me when my baby was due and I would say December 28th.  The response was always, "What a wonderful Christmas present."  And that is how I thought of him.  My very own living, breathing, Christmas present.  But he died and never even took a breath and I am left without him.  In some ways it is easier with Henry here and in others it makes it harder.  I can see exactly what I missed with Nathan.  Henry watched me open his Christmas presents and I laughed while he tossed every single one of them off the Bumbo tray to the floor.  I will never help Nathan open any gifts or watch him toss them with delight.  Henry was tired after all the commotion and I got to take him upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I will never take Nathan upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I struggle to be happy during Christmastime.  I make an effort for my kids.  But last year's Christmas present was taken from me and I can't help but be sad.  So I am down today when I should be happy.  I am struggling not to cry.  I miss my son so much it hurts.  And I'm not sure Christmas will ever be the same again.