What Nathan has taught me so far.

I want him back.  I miss him and I always will.  I refuse to let his death have no meaning.  I am constantly looking for clues as to what I am supposed to be learning though this experience.  So far the major lesson that I have learned is that I should never take my kids for granted.  They are here right now and I need to enjoy every minute of it.  You never know what will happen in the future.  I have also learned that God's plans for me are not necessarily going to be fun or what I want but He has a broader picture of my life and how I need to be.  Nathan's life and death are a big part of getting me there.  It's easy to trust God when everything is going well but a totally different thing altogether to trust Him when you are going through trials.  He didn't cause me to lose Nathan but He did allow it to happen.  I could have easily become bitter but I found myself leaning on Him even more.  Nathan has taught me to go to God first when I am hurting and confused and He will comfort me better than any human is capable of.  But....losing Nathan has shown me in a very real way that God can use people to be His arms and legs.  I have learned to not only accept help and comfort from people but to ask for it when I need it.  I have learned that life is messy.  I can't wish Nathan back without thinking about giving up Henry, too.  I can't do that.  I have to focus on the blessing God has given me in both Nathan and Henry.  Nathan's death made Henry's life possible.  That is the gift Nathan gave Henry.  And someday they will meet each other in Heaven.  Nathan is there now waiting on all of us to join him someday.  And I know he got the better end of this deal.