A cold and rainy day

Dear Nathan,

The Walk to Remember is going on right now and we're not there.  We haven't forgotten you.  It's a cold and rainy day and we didn't want your baby brother out in that kind of weather.  Also, your sister has a sinus infection and needs to stay home and get better.  I hate to miss it. There will be no tulip planted in your memory this year.  Daddy asked me last night why I even wanted to go back this year.  I have thought about it and I think it's because life is going at a very fast clip right now and I wanted to stop and think about you for just a little while.  I can't even hear myself think most of the time.  But you are there, in the back of my mind all the time.  We all look at life through our own personal filters and you are a permanent part of mine.  I still see everything though the loss of you.  I guess that's why your baby brother is a tad bit spoiled.  We just now put him out of our bedroom and I panicked.  I know what losing a child feels like and I am scared to death that I will have to go through that again.  I felt better having him where I could hear him breathe.  I remember checking on your older siblings when they were sleeping just to make sure they were okay.  It's worse this time around.  The whole process of parenting is letting go and that is hard.  Henry needs to have space to grow and learn.  He can't do that if I smother him.  But, just for today, I will squeeze him a little tighter and remember you, my precious Nathan, whom I never got to see grow.  Goodbye, little one. 
                                                                                                Love you always,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Baby Dedication

Nathan, we had Henry's baby dedication today.  That's where we promise to teach him all about God and the church agrees to support us with that.  I got a little sad.  I realized that I cannot teach you anything.  You don't need me to teach you about God.  You already know way more than I do about Him.  I am sad you're not here for me to teach but I'm also jealous of you.  You already have all of the answers to the questions I want to ask God.  You know why God chose to let you die.  You have no doubts or fears.  Your every want and need is met before you even have to ask.  You get to feel God's presence all of the time.  You never feel alone.  You're never sad.  You never miss anyone.  I can't wait to get to Heaven.  It will be that much sweeter because I finally get to meet you for the first time.  I promise to raise your baby brother (and your other siblings) to know all that I can teach them about God so that they will choose to love God and come to meet you, too.  I still miss you every day, sweet baby boy.

Happy Birthday, Nathan.

One year ago today I gave birth to my sweet Nathan.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We have come a long way in a year but it's still hard.  Having Henry here helps in a way but he's also a very real reminder of what we lost.  I can't help but look at him and wonder if Nathan would have had the same long fingers and big feet.  What would he have looked like if he had been allowed to develop fully.  Would he like the 1812 Overture like Henry does?  Would he love to be talked to like Henry?  Would he have slept as well?  Would he have smiled so early?  We'll never know what he would have been like and that is hard.  I don't know my own son.  I missed out on learning about him and seeing his personality develop.  I missed his first smile and his first laugh.  I missed comforting him when he cried and singing him to sleep.  I won't ever see him grow up.  He'll never run or ride a bike.  He won't grow up and get married and have kids of his own.  Today we remember what little time we had with him and cry over what we have missed.  There will be no first birthday party; only a small trip to the cemetery to visit his grave.  I hope God is throwing him a big party up there in Heaven.  Someday we will get to celebrate with him but until then we will try to move on and live lives that will make Nathan proud to call us family.

Welcome Home Nathan

That's what the sign says at a local church.  We were heading out to lunch and laughing.  The laughter stopped when we saw that sign.  My husband said it was a landmine and he is right.  They are everywhere; these little reminders ready to punch us in the gut and remind us of our loss.  My mom has referred to Henry as Nathan twice and I have done the same thing.  It's not like when I have to run through all of the kids' names before I get the right one.  When I make the mistake of calling a living child by the dead child's name it's another punch in the gut.  Does this get easier?  Is there some day when hearing or seeing the name Nathan won't make me flinch?  Is there a day coming when seeing a sign welcoming Nathan home won't make me cry?  My husband told me that the sign is true.  That Nathan is home.  And that he is waiting for us and someday we could go home, too.  I know that's true but it still feels like a member of our family is missing.  It still hurts that he is gone.  And it's hard going through my day not knowing what will trigger sadness and tears.  When I saw that sign I stopped and prayed for God to take good care of our son and I know he is.

What Nathan has taught me so far.

I want him back.  I miss him and I always will.  I refuse to let his death have no meaning.  I am constantly looking for clues as to what I am supposed to be learning though this experience.  So far the major lesson that I have learned is that I should never take my kids for granted.  They are here right now and I need to enjoy every minute of it.  You never know what will happen in the future.  I have also learned that God's plans for me are not necessarily going to be fun or what I want but He has a broader picture of my life and how I need to be.  Nathan's life and death are a big part of getting me there.  It's easy to trust God when everything is going well but a totally different thing altogether to trust Him when you are going through trials.  He didn't cause me to lose Nathan but He did allow it to happen.  I could have easily become bitter but I found myself leaning on Him even more.  Nathan has taught me to go to God first when I am hurting and confused and He will comfort me better than any human is capable of.  But....losing Nathan has shown me in a very real way that God can use people to be His arms and legs.  I have learned to not only accept help and comfort from people but to ask for it when I need it.  I have learned that life is messy.  I can't wish Nathan back without thinking about giving up Henry, too.  I can't do that.  I have to focus on the blessing God has given me in both Nathan and Henry.  Nathan's death made Henry's life possible.  That is the gift Nathan gave Henry.  And someday they will meet each other in Heaven.  Nathan is there now waiting on all of us to join him someday.  And I know he got the better end of this deal.

He's here!!!!!

After a three year journey to have baby #4, Henry arrived on Tuesday, July 12th.  He is perfect.  I forgot how quickly I fell in love with my other children.  It's happened again.  I am head over heels in love with this baby.  I am handling things better than I thought I would.  I thought I would have a really hard time with flashbacks to our experience with Nathan but they have been few so far.  I panicked in the hospital when Jim left to take care of an air conditioning problem at our house and I was alone with Henry.  I was terrified that something was wrong with Henry and he was going to die, too.  I even made the nurse come check his temperature to make sure he was okay.  And when I got home and went to take a shower I saw my flat(ter) stomach I remembered when I came home without Nathan.  I am trying really hard to focus on the gift God has given me and it has turned out to be easier than I thought.  I know we have a lot of hormonal days ahead and things could change but right now I am just enjoying my new little one.  And he is so easy to enjoy.  He even let me sleep for 4 hours straight last night.

Dear Henry...

Dear Sweet Henry,
We get to meet you in 4 days and we're so excited!  It's been a long, hard journey but we're finally at the end.  I just want to let you know that I might cry.  There will be happy tears for you a sad tears for your brother we never got to meet.  It will be bittersweet.  But we love you and we can't wait to hold you for the first time.  Your daddy has spent a good portion of the past few days smiling when he thinks of meeting you.  I keep tearing up because I can't believe it's actually happening.  We're going to meet you in 4 days!!!!  I hope you like being a part of our family.  The kids are so excited to meet you.  We will all do our best to keep you healthy and happy.  You're in good hands.  So come on out so we can all snuggle you and get to know you.  We're ready.  We have everything you'll need and we're all ready for your arrival.  Anytime is good but if you choose to wait, see you on Tuesday.  We love you, sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy