Happy Birthday, Nathan.

One year ago today I gave birth to my sweet Nathan.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We have come a long way in a year but it's still hard.  Having Henry here helps in a way but he's also a very real reminder of what we lost.  I can't help but look at him and wonder if Nathan would have had the same long fingers and big feet.  What would he have looked like if he had been allowed to develop fully.  Would he like the 1812 Overture like Henry does?  Would he love to be talked to like Henry?  Would he have slept as well?  Would he have smiled so early?  We'll never know what he would have been like and that is hard.  I don't know my own son.  I missed out on learning about him and seeing his personality develop.  I missed his first smile and his first laugh.  I missed comforting him when he cried and singing him to sleep.  I won't ever see him grow up.  He'll never run or ride a bike.  He won't grow up and get married and have kids of his own.  Today we remember what little time we had with him and cry over what we have missed.  There will be no first birthday party; only a small trip to the cemetery to visit his grave.  I hope God is throwing him a big party up there in Heaven.  Someday we will get to celebrate with him but until then we will try to move on and live lives that will make Nathan proud to call us family.

Welcome Home Nathan

That's what the sign says at a local church.  We were heading out to lunch and laughing.  The laughter stopped when we saw that sign.  My husband said it was a landmine and he is right.  They are everywhere; these little reminders ready to punch us in the gut and remind us of our loss.  My mom has referred to Henry as Nathan twice and I have done the same thing.  It's not like when I have to run through all of the kids' names before I get the right one.  When I make the mistake of calling a living child by the dead child's name it's another punch in the gut.  Does this get easier?  Is there some day when hearing or seeing the name Nathan won't make me flinch?  Is there a day coming when seeing a sign welcoming Nathan home won't make me cry?  My husband told me that the sign is true.  That Nathan is home.  And that he is waiting for us and someday we could go home, too.  I know that's true but it still feels like a member of our family is missing.  It still hurts that he is gone.  And it's hard going through my day not knowing what will trigger sadness and tears.  When I saw that sign I stopped and prayed for God to take good care of our son and I know he is.

What Nathan has taught me so far.

I want him back.  I miss him and I always will.  I refuse to let his death have no meaning.  I am constantly looking for clues as to what I am supposed to be learning though this experience.  So far the major lesson that I have learned is that I should never take my kids for granted.  They are here right now and I need to enjoy every minute of it.  You never know what will happen in the future.  I have also learned that God's plans for me are not necessarily going to be fun or what I want but He has a broader picture of my life and how I need to be.  Nathan's life and death are a big part of getting me there.  It's easy to trust God when everything is going well but a totally different thing altogether to trust Him when you are going through trials.  He didn't cause me to lose Nathan but He did allow it to happen.  I could have easily become bitter but I found myself leaning on Him even more.  Nathan has taught me to go to God first when I am hurting and confused and He will comfort me better than any human is capable of.  But....losing Nathan has shown me in a very real way that God can use people to be His arms and legs.  I have learned to not only accept help and comfort from people but to ask for it when I need it.  I have learned that life is messy.  I can't wish Nathan back without thinking about giving up Henry, too.  I can't do that.  I have to focus on the blessing God has given me in both Nathan and Henry.  Nathan's death made Henry's life possible.  That is the gift Nathan gave Henry.  And someday they will meet each other in Heaven.  Nathan is there now waiting on all of us to join him someday.  And I know he got the better end of this deal.

He's here!!!!!

After a three year journey to have baby #4, Henry arrived on Tuesday, July 12th.  He is perfect.  I forgot how quickly I fell in love with my other children.  It's happened again.  I am head over heels in love with this baby.  I am handling things better than I thought I would.  I thought I would have a really hard time with flashbacks to our experience with Nathan but they have been few so far.  I panicked in the hospital when Jim left to take care of an air conditioning problem at our house and I was alone with Henry.  I was terrified that something was wrong with Henry and he was going to die, too.  I even made the nurse come check his temperature to make sure he was okay.  And when I got home and went to take a shower I saw my flat(ter) stomach I remembered when I came home without Nathan.  I am trying really hard to focus on the gift God has given me and it has turned out to be easier than I thought.  I know we have a lot of hormonal days ahead and things could change but right now I am just enjoying my new little one.  And he is so easy to enjoy.  He even let me sleep for 4 hours straight last night.

Dear Henry...

Dear Sweet Henry,
We get to meet you in 4 days and we're so excited!  It's been a long, hard journey but we're finally at the end.  I just want to let you know that I might cry.  There will be happy tears for you a sad tears for your brother we never got to meet.  It will be bittersweet.  But we love you and we can't wait to hold you for the first time.  Your daddy has spent a good portion of the past few days smiling when he thinks of meeting you.  I keep tearing up because I can't believe it's actually happening.  We're going to meet you in 4 days!!!!  I hope you like being a part of our family.  The kids are so excited to meet you.  We will all do our best to keep you healthy and happy.  You're in good hands.  So come on out so we can all snuggle you and get to know you.  We're ready.  We have everything you'll need and we're all ready for your arrival.  Anytime is good but if you choose to wait, see you on Tuesday.  We love you, sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

I can't complain.

No, really, I can't.  I don't know if it's just me doing the judging but I kind of assume others are, too.  I know my thoughts.  I'm hot, tired, fat, sore, sleepy and it hurts to walk.  The second I think any of these things or actually have the nerve to say them the internal dialogue starts.  "Why are you complaining?  At least Henry's alive."  "Well, he's alive for now."  I can't stand the thought of going through all of this and having to lose another baby but the thought is there all the same. 
It applies to other people's complaints as well.  "My child is driving me crazy."  "Well, at least you have your child."  "I'm not getting enough sleep."  "Well, at least you didn't lose your baby."  It's not fair to others but the thought is there.  I'm getting better, though.  I am able to have sympathy for peoples' plights now.  When we first lost Nathan I just wanted people to stop complaining.  There is nothing else worth complaining about when you have lost a child.  But....I'm human and they're human and humans complain.  It's one of the ways we try to connect with other people.  We tell people our problems hoping that they have been there or they will understand.  We want to be understood and accepted.  I write this blog in the hopes that the readers will gain some insight into what losing a child feels like.  I write in the hopes that it will help them sympathize with someone going through the loss of a child.  I write because I'm human and I have a need to be understood.  But I will continue to fight for every bit of joy Henry is trying to give me.  And I will try my best to keep things in perspective and not complain.  I am truly lucky that Henry is alive and I will hang on to that as much as I can.  Every ache, pain, and tear is worth it to get to hold my baby boy in my arms and hear his first cry.

Some shows should come with warning labels.

I am about to make a confession.  I'm not really a fan of most shows aimed at women.  Give me a good episode of Criminal Minds any day.  But....I do watch one show that my husband doesn't even want to be in the room for.  It's Hawthorne on TNT.  Jim was off at the movies spending 4 hours watching the director's cut of the second Lord of the Rings movie last night so I decided to watch the season premiere of Hawthorne.  I read the description first.  A nice, pleasant description of Hawthorne having her wedding day.  If you watch this show and haven't seen the premiere yet, stop reading.  So, I'm watching, she's getting married and then she's back at the hospital(she's a nurse.)  So far so good.  She's walking to her car talking to her new husband on the phone when she is attacked.  Did I mention she's 20 weeks pregnant?  And that the guy kicked her several times in the stomach?  I know I should turn it off then, but there's still hope that everything is going to turn out okay so I keep watching.  Bad idea.  I probably should avoid ever watching this show again after how things went.
She's in the hospital in ICU fighting for her baby to live and a former co-worker comes in to deliver her own baby.  Fast forward a little bit and we have this woman delivering her baby in one room while across the hall Hawthorne has to deliver her dead baby.  I am standing in that hallway.  I have had to deliver Nathan knowing he would not go home with me, would never take a breath or smile.  And now I'm looking forward toward delivering a healthy full term baby.  I got a glimpse of how emotional that is going to be when I watched this show.  I cried.  I cried for the joy I know I will have when Henry gets here and I cried for the loss of Nathan and the pain of losing him.  I have been standing in that hallway since October of last year when we got pregnant with Henry.  I am standing there still.  And I am so eager to move into that room where I get to walk out with my precious newborn baby.  This goes to show that God can use anything to speak to us, even a sappy t.v. show.