Nathan's Story

We got pregnant in March after 6 months of trying.  Everyone was so excited, especially Jack, my oldest.  He was convinced this was his baby brother he had been praying for.  I was told right and left that this was a boy.  When we went in for the ultrasound at 18 weeks to find out the gender, we only had a boy's name picked out.  Sure enough, it was a happy, healthy, wiggling little boy.  I'm not sure what happened between that ultrasound and 3 weeks later when we went back in for the "big" ultrasound to have Nathan checked out.  We waited in the waiting room, excited for a chance to see our son again.  The technician looked around for a minute, took 2 measurements and left to get the doctor.  Those were the scariest minutes in my life.  Having had three kids already, I knew that something was wrong.  The doctor came to the room and told us that Nathan's heart had stopped.  This was the single worst moment in my life.  I really do not remember much that happened after that.  I know Jim went to get the car to bring it around back and that Dr. Kidd sat with me while he was gone.  I know they both had to support me as I left the doctor's office knowing we had to tell our children that their baby brother was dead.
In the car, I cried out to God, asking Him if Nathan was the baby He had told me we were going to have.  His answer was no.  That was my first moment of hope in the midst of this trial.  I was not alone.  God was there and He was letting me know it.  That was only the beginning.
The rest of the day was a blur.  We went to my best friend Kelli's house to tell her what had happened and then went home, relieved the babysitter, told the kids, and made arrangements for me to be induced the next day.  Kelli and another dear friend came and took the kids out of the house for a while.  In the midst of the constant flood of tears we prepared to go to the hospital to deliver our precious baby boy.  That night I honestly didn't feel like reading my Bible like I usually do.  I figured that God understood.
The next morning we went to the hospital and I was admitted into Labor and Delivery.  God again showed that His hand is on everything.  Nurse Betsy was there to greet us. I could not have asked for a better nurse.  She knows her job and does it very well.  From the moment we got to our room, Jim and I could both feel the hundreds of prayers going up on our behalf.  Our friends and family were pouring out their hearts to God on our behalf and He was letting us feel them.  It was overwhelming.
The doctor started the induction after double-checking, at our request,  to make sure Nathan's heart was really not beating.  Now, all we could do was wait.  The phone calls and texts from friends and family were pouring in to Jim's phone and Kelli came to sit for a little while.  Our pastor showed up to pray and visit with us and after he left things really started happening.  Not long after our pastor left, Nathan was born.  Jim saw him first, while the nurses and doctor tended to me and then I got to hold my son.  Jim was not prepared for what he saw, but I had seen pictures of a 21-weeker before and was prepared.  We marveled over the perfect fingers and toes and decided that his ears would have been pointed like Jim's and he would have had Katherine's nose.  I held him for over 4 hours.
A nurse took Nathan and got his footprints, took pictures, and put together a scrapbook for us.  This scrapbook was my constant companion for the next several days.  I held it while they wheeled me out of the hospital the next day, while we picked out a blanket for his coffin, his coffin, and his grave marker.  While we went for lunch, church, and his funeral.  While we marveled over how God had led us here, to the place we live, to the church we belong to, to the neighbors we have.  We agreed that we wouldn't have wanted to go through this anywhere else.  Even 4 years ago when we were deciding where to live, God was guiding our steps, knowing what was in store for us.  Our church family rallied behind us.  We never had to worry about the kids.  They had it covered.  We never had to worry about food.  Our church family made sure we were well fed.  Plants, cards, gifts, food, visits.  It went on and on and we were overwhelmed once again at their love for us.
The first night after we were home from the hospital, I picked up my Bible and looked to see what my scheduled reading was for that day.  Job.  1-3.  Where Job is talking about how much better off a stillborn baby is than a man.  Wow.  Nathan is lucky.  For the next two weeks it was almost like there were neon flashing lights around certain Bible passages.  God was talking to me through His word.
The funeral service was simple.  Just the kids, Jim, me, and our pastor.  I really can't remember what was said.  My grief was too great.  I do remember what God did for me, though.  I will never forget.  As Pastor Mike was speaking, I felt arms wrapping around me and heard angels whispering the names of my friends and family who were praying us through that service.  Again I was overwhelmed by God's love and theirs.  Mike left and we stayed as they finished burying our son.  I had to make sure they did it right.  It was the last thing I could do for him.  I really felt like that moment was the start of my healing.
I don't know what God is going to do with this but I know it is going to be something big.  I am already changed and continue to change on a daily basis.  I am being molded into what He wants me to be.  Yes, it hurts, but I cling to God and cry out to Him and I know that I am not alone.