Walk to Remember

Today we participated in our hospital's Walk to Remember.  There was a service where people could share their experiences and then we took a walk around the hospital grounds.  The walk ended at a small tree where we were all able to plant tulip bulbs for our lost children.  Inside the hospital I had to make a quick decision.  How many flowers would we plant?  If we planted two, what would I write on the second marker?  You see, we lost another baby through miscarriage before we ever had kids.  At the time I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again.  I did not mourn for that baby like I should have.  When the doctor told me there was no heartbeat I just wanted "it" out as quickly as possible.  I tried to disconnect myself from that baby.  Now, 10 years later, I realize that I have failed.  That child is as much a part of our family as Nathan is.  And I have failed my first baby again.  I chickened out.  I had no idea whether that child was a boy or a girl.  We never named the baby.  I totally blanked on what I could write on that marker and so we only planted one for Nathan.  I wish I could go back and do it over.  There is nothing wrong with just writing "Baby" for the name.  Why didn't I think of that at the time?  And so I add to the long list of things I would change if I could.