Panic Attack

Well, the doctor's appointment was fun this morning.  Not.  For the first time ever in all of my pregnancies the doctor really had to search for the heartbeat.  I had flashbacks to being told that Nathan had died.  I'm sure the doctor thought I was crazy when I started blathering on about how the baby hides sometimes when I'm looking at home and she just needed to keep looking.  Eventually she found it.  I left the room shaking and managed to keep it together until I got to the van.  But, before I got to the van I had to check out and make an ultrasound appointment for 21 weeks.  You know?  The one where we were told that Nathan didn't have a heartbeat?  Just to make it even more fun the receptionist told me that they will give me a DVD of the baby at that ultrasound.  We didn't get that with Nathan.  It was a reminder of what we missed the last time.  I got in the van, grabbed my cell phone and called my husband.  Then I proceeded to mess up my makeup by sobbing all over the place.  Two punches in one trip.  Fun.  Shaking, crying, trouble breathing...yup panic attack.  I haven't had one of those since college.  I haven't missed them.  The roller coaster ride continues.