We went in for our 18 week ultrasound this morning. I had this fear that the technician would look and the baby would be dead. Whew! Baby was alive and kicking. We got to see him (yes, that's right, him) drinking the amniotic fluid and practicing breathing. Everything seems to be working properly. I have spent the first half of this pregnancy thinking this baby was a girl. I'm not sure how much was my opinion and how much was me trying to protect myself. I have read a lot on stillbirth and I know that statistically it happens more with boys than girls. I thought, "if this is a girl, she won't die on me." So, I am excited that we will be adding a little boy to our family but I'm scared. I'm sure that doppler will get a workout over the next few weeks. I'm also worried that people will be more likely to look at this baby as a replacement for Nathan since it is another boy. I don't think that would happen as much with a girl. I don't feel like dealing with that.
But, my son is over the moon with excitement. He can't wait to share a room with his baby brother and help take care of him. I just pray that he won't be disappointed again. He was devastated when we lost Nathan and I don't want him to go through that pain again.
The kids have their own pictures of their new baby brother and have been creating artwork and making up stories all day. The girls are excited, too, just like their brother. I know God knows what He is doing but I am scared that He thinks we can handle losing another son and brother. It's silly, I know. The baby being a girl would not insure that things would work out and it being a boy does not mean that things will go wrong. We've had a great time raising a wonderful boy for the past 9 years. This baby should be fine, too. I know the likelihood of a good outcome is very high. I hate this roller coaster ride of emotions.
Congratulations!!!
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