Can't sleep.

It seems that as we get closer and closer to Henry's birth I find myself more and more back in the delivery room with Nathan.  My arms still ache to hold him.  I miss my little boy so much.  We only had a few hours with him before they took him away for pictures.  I knew that I couldn't take him back after that or I would never let him go.  It is so hard to say goodbye.  I'm still not sure I can do it.  There is a part of me that clings to Nathan and just can't let him go.  He is my son, whether or not I got to raise him.  There is a sadness in me that I know will never fully go away.  I don't know why we lost him and I won't ever know and that is hard to live with.  I have talked with my grandmother, who lost three babies.  One to stillbirth, one to miscarriage, and one that was born alive, just too early.  She still lives with the pain and that was at least 50 years ago.  I sometimes wish that God didn't think I was strong enough to handle this.  I look forward to years of missing my son and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on.  It hurts too much.  But...then one of my kids will do something silly or Henry will wake up and wiggle all over and I have joy.  I am trying to move forward while still missing the son I have to leave in the past.  I don't know how I've made it this far and I don't know how I'll make it from now on.  I guess I just lean on God and trust that he will help me through.