Jim picked up the box for Nathan's things today. I knew that this would not be an easy day for me. I felt like I needed to look at every single thing again before I put them in the box. I cried my way through it. My son asked me if he could come and help and I had to tell him no. It was just something I needed to do on my own. I cried through each picture, card, blanket...it was like I was saying goodbye all over again. I sat there sobbing and hugging my belly. Those pesky contradicting emotions were there again. I ached for Nathan while, at the same time, looked forward to meeting Henry in less than a month.
The last thing I put in the box was an empty ring box. I haven't mentioned this here before but I have a simple, small white gold band for each of my children. I had their names and birth dates engraved on the inside of each ring. I wear Jack, Anna, and Katherine's rings on a chain around my neck. We had one made a few days after Nathan was born and it has been on the ring finger of my right hand ever since. I really felt like it might be time to take it off and put it in with the other things in the box. I tried, I really did, but it felt like I was ripping my heart out when I took that ring off. I couldn't do it. So the ring sits on my finger as a visual reminder of what I have lost. And the box sits in the family room as a visual reminder to all that there is someone still missing from this family.
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