Due Date

Yesterday was Nathan's due date.  In some ways this day was easier to get through than Christmas Eve.  You see, we had our Christmas a day early because of travel plans.  I had had so many people tell me that Nathan was my Christmas present that it was very hard to go through it without him.  I tried very hard to keep it from my family so that I wouldn't ruin Christmas and apparently I did a good job.  My husband didn't even know I was upset that day.  Fast-forward to yesterday.  I started off my day crying in the shower.  I was remembering how Nathan's delivery had gone and comparing it to how it should have been and I lost it.  I still want my baby HERE.  I'm still not sure why God has him now and I don't.  It's something I'm sure I won't know the answer to until I get to heaven and see Nathan there.  I am grateful to God that he allowed us to get pregnant again so quickly.  I am grateful that I was pregnant through Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Every time I have started to get down thinking about Nathan I remember the baby I am carrying and I am brought back out of my depression.  This baby is in no way a replacement for Nathan but that doesn't mean he or she shouldn't make me happy.  I need to remind myself of this daily.  I am not being disloyal to my son in looking forward to meeting his baby brother or sister.  This baby deserves to be celebrated, too, but there will always be a special place in my heart for my precious baby boy.