Well, went to the nurse today.

In my ob's practice a newly pregnant woman is required to go see the nurse first no matter how recently she has gone or how many times she's been through this.  This is pregnancy #6 and I would have really liked to have skipped it this time around.  But, I got up an hour and a half before I normally do to drive in the snow to see the nurse.  Why, you ask, did I not call to reschedule?  Because I am worried enough about this whole pregnancy without delaying my first doctor's visit.  (6 more days!)  It never occurred to me that I might have a problem being at the same doctor's office where I found out Nathan had died.  I'm not sure why.  Looking back it seems obvious.  So, I am waiting in the hallway nearly hyperventilating while the computers are acting up and my appointment is delayed.  The nurse finally comes and gets me and, surprise, surprise, my blood pressure and heart rate are elevated.  This is going well so far.  After asking me 500 questions the nurse takes me to the lab.  I hate needles and did I mention I was already having trouble being there?  My blood is drawn and the technician tells me congratulations.  I bolted.  Congratulations seem very premature.  I still have almost 30 weeks to get through and there are no guarantees.  I wondered if it is obvious to people that I am nervous and not as excited as I should be.  If so, do they think something is wrong with me?  Oh, well, can't worry about that right now my car is covered in snow and I have no ice scraper.  I got in the car and put the defrost on full-blast.  No go.  I look around to see what I can use and my eyes fall on a phone book.  Well, I want to go home and there's nothing else so why not?  I get out of the car and scrape the back window with the phone book.  I climb back in and pray the whole way home that I do not wreck and harm this baby that I am carrying even though I'm not convinced I will get to meet this one, either.  Welcome to my world of contradictions.  Happy, sad.  Joyful, depressed.  Expectant, terrified.  Convinced, uncertain.  All I can do is lean on Jesus and hold on for the ride.