Sunday, March 27, 2011
He doesn't need me.
After learning about a friend's recent loss I have been appreciating my children more. Last night I wanted to do something for them. Jack got a light bulb for his sea creature (I am still upset by the fact that he is now on a bunk bed and I can't kiss him or even really see him when I check on him at night.) I tucked both of the girls in and kissed them while they slept. I told Jim this when I got into bed and then said that I did nothing for Nathan. He told me that Nathan really didn't need anything from us. I started crying and I am tearing up typing this. It's just wrong that a baby doesn't need his mother. I should be feeding him, changing his diapers, comforting him when he cries. He doesn't need me to do any of those things. But I want to so badly. I want to kiss his soft little fuzzy baby head and rock him to sleep but I will never get that chance. I miss him so much. And no, right now it doesn't help to know he is in Heaven and isn't suffering. Why does God need him there? Why couldn't we raise him and watch him start a life of his own? What purpose does his death serve? I still worship God and I still trust Him but I have more questions for Him now than I have ever had before. And it stinks that I won't know the answers until I get to Heaven. I guess that's what faith is about. Trusting Him even when life makes no sense at all.
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Oh honey, You ARE mothering your Nathan! He is loved, wanted, remembered- aren't those our deepest needs as human beings? As a mother who has suffered loss, I know your pain. But I just had to speak out when I read this. I know how it hurts to have your baby, your hopes and dreams, your future with your child ripped away. There is a void. But everything is not lost. This baby has a secure place in your heart, in your life. That can never ever be taken away from you. Even though his place is different than what you'd hoped- you hoped for diaper changes; kissing boo-boo's; feeding and nourishing him; playing with him. No, that's not his place in your life today. Although it is a different role than you'd envisioned, he still does have a place nonetheless. A treasured, precious, sacred place that only he can fill. And that is forever yours, never to be lost. Praying for you, dear sister.
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