I'm sad today.

I am 21 weeks with Henry today.  By this time, on this day Nathan's pregnancy, we knew he was gone.  I miss him.  Even with Henry obediently punching, kicking and wiggling away.  I am torn.  I love both of them and I wouldn't have Henry if Nathan had made it.  So here I sit, missing one and longing for what might have been while celebrating that the baby I am carrying is alive and well.  This pregnancy is full of conflicting emotions.  I feel excited to meet Henry and then feel guilty because I don't think I'm honoring Nathan.  I look forward to Henry's birth and look back on Nathan's with a sadness and longing I have never experienced before.  I ache to hold both my sons in my arms and know that I will only ever get to hold Henry.  My time with Nathan is done until I see him again in Heaven and I long to be there with him but I have 3 kids here and one on the way and I am needed here.  What is seeing Henry going to be like?  I am I going to be able to focus on him being his own person or will I constantly be reminded of what might have been with Nathan?  Will every smile and sigh remind me of how Nathan will never be?  This is so hard.  I sit here crying for the child I miss while feeling the child I am carrying move inside me.
Lord, give me the strength to make it through the day.  I miss my little boy.  Help me to be content knowing he is with You and no harm will ever come to him.  Help me hold on until I can be with him in Heaven some day.  Wrap your arms around me and hold me up because I don't think I can hold myself up right now.  I feel so weak.  Help me to be strong.