It works!

You know that doppler I have been wanting to use?  Well, the time came to give it a try and I had the hardest time finding anything.  I started at 10 weeks and found nothing.  11 weeks, nothing.  12 weeks, nothing.  I got determined.  I looked up online exactly where I was supposed to be placing the thing, followed the directions exactly and, voila, baby heartbeat!  I im'd my husband and told him I had found it.  He was jealous so I found it again for him.  Now, every time I start to get worried about the baby I just listen for a little bit and I feel better.  This has been such a stressful week that I have used it three times.  I get so convinced that stress will cause the baby to die that I have to check.  This may seem crazy, but according to what I have read, I would be abnormal if I didn't worry after what happened last time.  My new obsession, now that I can check the heartbeat any time I want, is my weight.  I am diabetic.  I lost a lot of weight after we lost Nathan and I am now down to a healthy weight.  It is extremely hard, if you are following the diet, to gain weight if you are diabetic.  Try being pregnant and diabetic.  I had my checkup at the ob on Monday and did an inner cheer when I saw that my weight was the same as the time before.  I was down only 4 pounds from the start of the pregnancy.  I cannot say the same anymore.  The things that I have heard, the things that I have found out this week have made stress rear it's ugly head again.  Stress=less eating=weight loss.  2 and a half more pounds gone.  I am dangerously close to being underweight when this baby is born.  I am not likely to gain.  So I obsess about whether I will be able to nurse or not.  I picture myself wasting away to nothing while trying to feed my baby.  If I can't gain weight while pregnant, I definitely won't while nursing.  I'll need even more calories then.  I really want to nurse this baby and I am worried that it's not going to happen.  Stop!  God is in control.  He knows exactly what is going to happen and no amount of worrying on my part will change a thing.  This day really does have enough troubles of it's own.  Why add more to it?  Lord, help me to trust that you know best.  Help calm my fears and anxieties.  And please, Lord, if I start worrying again, smack me upside the head and tell me to knock it off.

Farewell

Farewell, Redeeming Grace, we will miss you.  You were so good to us when we lost Nathan and we can never repay you for that.  But, it is time to move on.  Time to start somewhere new.  Time to leave behind the only church we have known since we moved here almost 4 years ago.  It is heartbreaking.  This is not what we wanted.  This is not what we asked for.  But this is God's answer.  Do I feel like I have the energy to start over somewhere new?  No.  Do I feel like surrounding myself with people who don't even know about Nathan?  No.  Do I feel like uprooting my kids from all of their friends and forcing them to make new ones?  No.  Do I feel like taking the time to make new friends?  No.  But these are all things that God is asking me to do.  What choice do I have?  So I will move on.  I will go somewhere new.  I will find the energy to do what God is asking me to do.

Depending on God

I am done with people.  Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that God can speak through others but what happened to the love that all Christians are supposed to have?  It seems this is stressed quite a bit in Jesus' teachings and I find it sad that it is so lacking in today's Christian circles.  When someone does something wrong it's suddenly time to attack them.  The Jesus I see in scripture wouldn't let the person get away with the bad behavior but would gently show her what she did wrong.  What happened to "love the sinner, hate the sin?"  It seems that nowadays it's "hate the sinner and the sin."  Ever since Nathan died God has been teaching me to rely more and more on Him and less and less on people.  I hear people say He is their All in All.  Really?  You don't go to anyone else for support at all?  You never talk to anyone about what is going on in your life?  You never rely on your own strength to get you through?  Sure, God should be the One you go to first with everything.  What do you do if your answer to prayer is to speak to someone?  Are you still relying on God?  I think so.  People claim that they rely solely on God for everything but we are not exactly designed that way.  God designed us to need others to help us through this cruel world.  No man is an island.  People are flawed.  Not a single person alive today is perfect.  That has become very clear to me over the past month or so.  People are turning out to be not at all like I thought they were.  I have been let down more times than I can count.  But there are those rare people who do love me despite my faults.  People who gently point out to me where I am wrong.  People who want me to be the best I can be here on this earth.  Maybe I'm not done with people after all, just most of them.

Due Date

Yesterday was Nathan's due date.  In some ways this day was easier to get through than Christmas Eve.  You see, we had our Christmas a day early because of travel plans.  I had had so many people tell me that Nathan was my Christmas present that it was very hard to go through it without him.  I tried very hard to keep it from my family so that I wouldn't ruin Christmas and apparently I did a good job.  My husband didn't even know I was upset that day.  Fast-forward to yesterday.  I started off my day crying in the shower.  I was remembering how Nathan's delivery had gone and comparing it to how it should have been and I lost it.  I still want my baby HERE.  I'm still not sure why God has him now and I don't.  It's something I'm sure I won't know the answer to until I get to heaven and see Nathan there.  I am grateful to God that he allowed us to get pregnant again so quickly.  I am grateful that I was pregnant through Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Every time I have started to get down thinking about Nathan I remember the baby I am carrying and I am brought back out of my depression.  This baby is in no way a replacement for Nathan but that doesn't mean he or she shouldn't make me happy.  I need to remind myself of this daily.  I am not being disloyal to my son in looking forward to meeting his baby brother or sister.  This baby deserves to be celebrated, too, but there will always be a special place in my heart for my precious baby boy.

All is Well.

I spent most of the day in a panic waiting for our doctor's appointment this afternoon.  The last time we had an ultrasound it wasn't exactly good news.  It turns out that there was no need to worry.  We have one wiggly baby with a strong heartbeat who is measuring right on target.   I'm sure I can ride on this for a good day or so before I start worrying again. ( Can I use the doppler yet?!?!?)  I showed the kids the pictures and explained what we saw at the ultrasound.  Jack asked me if seeing the heartbeat meant that this baby wasn't going to die.  I explained that the odds were good that this baby would make it but that was as far as I could go with that.  We got on the wrong end of the statistic last time and I am not at all comforted by the fact that there is little chance of it happening again.  But, there is no reason to panic a 9 year old boy so I just didn't go there.  I just now told my husband that God is doing a good job directing our lives.  With the exception of Nathan's death, everything has worked out in our favor eventually.  And I have to trust that Nathan's death did serve some purpose.  But the what-ifs start creeping in.  What if God thinks I can handle more loss?  What if this baby dies, too?  How much am I supposed to take before I break?  And then I just have to pray and ask God to help me trust Him more.  And He does.

Well, went to the nurse today.

In my ob's practice a newly pregnant woman is required to go see the nurse first no matter how recently she has gone or how many times she's been through this.  This is pregnancy #6 and I would have really liked to have skipped it this time around.  But, I got up an hour and a half before I normally do to drive in the snow to see the nurse.  Why, you ask, did I not call to reschedule?  Because I am worried enough about this whole pregnancy without delaying my first doctor's visit.  (6 more days!)  It never occurred to me that I might have a problem being at the same doctor's office where I found out Nathan had died.  I'm not sure why.  Looking back it seems obvious.  So, I am waiting in the hallway nearly hyperventilating while the computers are acting up and my appointment is delayed.  The nurse finally comes and gets me and, surprise, surprise, my blood pressure and heart rate are elevated.  This is going well so far.  After asking me 500 questions the nurse takes me to the lab.  I hate needles and did I mention I was already having trouble being there?  My blood is drawn and the technician tells me congratulations.  I bolted.  Congratulations seem very premature.  I still have almost 30 weeks to get through and there are no guarantees.  I wondered if it is obvious to people that I am nervous and not as excited as I should be.  If so, do they think something is wrong with me?  Oh, well, can't worry about that right now my car is covered in snow and I have no ice scraper.  I got in the car and put the defrost on full-blast.  No go.  I look around to see what I can use and my eyes fall on a phone book.  Well, I want to go home and there's nothing else so why not?  I get out of the car and scrape the back window with the phone book.  I climb back in and pray the whole way home that I do not wreck and harm this baby that I am carrying even though I'm not convinced I will get to meet this one, either.  Welcome to my world of contradictions.  Happy, sad.  Joyful, depressed.  Expectant, terrified.  Convinced, uncertain.  All I can do is lean on Jesus and hold on for the ride.

My Prayer

Lord, thank you for loving me no matter what.  Thank you for standing by me when others are not willing.  Thank you, Lord, for picking me up when others knock me down.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am, warts and all.  Thank you for being able to see my heart and know who I really am when others are unable or unwilling to do so.  Thank you for carrying me when I don't have the strength to make it through one more day.  Thank you for whispering the truth in my ear when I start to believe the false things said about me and to me.  Thank you for being patient with me and for being willing to give me the time I need to work through things.  Thank you for always speaking the truth to me in love and with compassion.  Thank you for making Your presence known to me in a very real manner.  Thank you, Lord, for reminding me who I can trust and that I am not alone.   Thank you for providing true friends who will comfort me and give me a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for protecting the baby from the stress I am under.  Thank you for the baby.  But most of all, thank you for dying on the cross for me.  I don't deserve it but you did it anyway.  That is pure and true love.  I want to love you like that in return.