4 Years Later

I forgot my son's birthday today.  I feel incredible guilt for it but I am also relieved.  Maybe I am healing.  The pain is still there but it has dulled.  I don't think about him every day.  I have found joy in my living children; two of which would not be here without Nathan's loss.  He would have been four today but in the craziness of life I missed it.  We usually take fresh flowers to his grave together as a family.  Maybe it is finally time to move on.

Just a Clarification

I just want to point out that this blog is here to help me sort through my feelings and possibly help others through my experiences.  What you see, for the most part, are the bad days.  I think the fact that I hadn't posted since December of last year speaks volumes.  Things are busy here.  I'm teaching my three oldest while taking care of Henry (8 months old tomorrow!)  I have lots of good days now.   We have settled at a new church and have gotten down to the business of getting to know the people there and seeing where we fit in.  Every time we hear our pastor preach we take one more step toward healing past hurts.  He has reminded us that Nathan's loss is not our fault.  It's not a sin on our part that caused it like has been suggested to us in the past.  We are reassured over and over that what happened at our previous church is not our fault.  Sometimes the worst sinners are in the pulpit. 
I have struggled over the past few months in my relationship with God.  I have questioned His character and my own worthiness of His love.  I have been reminded that God is not human and we cannot use human standards to understand His ways.  I have learned that I need to rest in Him and stop trying to earn my way to Heaven.  I can't do it.  Jesus did it for me.  I am weary.  I needed to hear that.  I needed to rest.  I needed to escape the legalism I thought I had already left behind. 
This blog is just a small part of my life.  People need to know that what they are feeling is normal.  They need to see that there is no time limit on grief.  There is no map to get through it.  You don't wake up one day and say, "That's it, I'm done grieving."  It is a process.  I can say that the farther out you get, the farther apart the bad days are.  I can tell you that what you feel is normal.  Don't let other people tell you how to grieve.  Don't let anyone else tell you when you should be done.  But take care not to get stuck in your grief.  Grief is a journey and progress should be made.  How much progress is an individual thing.  You may take one step forward and three steps back sometimes.  That is okay.  Just take it one day at a time.  Some seem to be over a loss quickly, others are still grieving years later.  Grief is messy and very personal.  I share my journey, but it is solely mine.  Your journey will be different; it has to be.  I just hope and pray that you will read my journey and get some comfort from it. 

Why, God?

I am struggling this week.  We got pregnant with Nathan in March of 2010.  That makes this month hard.  And I am struggling with why this had to happen.  I wonder if the purpose is to help other moms who lose their babies.  So when someone announces a pregnancy I am simultaneously happy and scared.  Will this be the one I am supposed to help?  So, when someone goes through their whole pregnancy and have the end result of a healthy baby I am relieved.  That happened this week.  I think, "Not her," and I breathe a sigh of relief. And I wait for the emotional roller coaster to start again.  I pray hard for pregnant women and their unborn babies.  I hope that I am wrong and I never have to help someone else through this.  I'm not strong enough.  I still hurt too much.  I'm not sure the pain will ever go away.  How much help would I be to someone if I'm crying too hard to comfort them? 
When we went through the trouble at our previous church I wondered what the purpose was.  Now that we're out I can see clearly why it happened.  We're at a healthy, thriving church filled with loving, Christian people.  We are out of a very toxic environment.  It is very clear why that happened.  A year and a half after losing Nathan I still see no big purpose to it.  No why, just pain and more pain.  Sure, there are little things here and there; things Nathan taught me, but all I can think is, why couldn't I have learned these lessons another way?  Why did it have to be through losing him?  People tell me, "oh, maybe Nathan had something wrong with him and that's why he's gone."  What they don't get is I loved him anyway.  It sounds like they are telling me I'm better off without him.  Never.  People think it's okay now that Henry is here.  I love Henry.  I would die for him, the same as I would Jack, Anna, or Katherine.  And I would have died for Nathan, too.  I want the impossible.  I want Henry and Nathan, too.  No parent should ever be left here on earth while their baby is in the grave.  And I'm not sure I will ever fully understand why this had to happen.  And I pray with each pregnancy I learn about that it does not happen to them.  It's a pain I wish on no one.  It's a pain I wish I didn't have to experience.  I still miss him everyday.  Why, God?  Why do you get to hold him and I don't?

Christmas is Hard

Here I am, on Christmas, trying not to cry.  I rocked Henry and while I rocked him I thought, "I should have been doing this with Nathan last year."  People would ask me when my baby was due and I would say December 28th.  The response was always, "What a wonderful Christmas present."  And that is how I thought of him.  My very own living, breathing, Christmas present.  But he died and never even took a breath and I am left without him.  In some ways it is easier with Henry here and in others it makes it harder.  I can see exactly what I missed with Nathan.  Henry watched me open his Christmas presents and I laughed while he tossed every single one of them off the Bumbo tray to the floor.  I will never help Nathan open any gifts or watch him toss them with delight.  Henry was tired after all the commotion and I got to take him upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I will never take Nathan upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I struggle to be happy during Christmastime.  I make an effort for my kids.  But last year's Christmas present was taken from me and I can't help but be sad.  So I am down today when I should be happy.  I am struggling not to cry.  I miss my son so much it hurts.  And I'm not sure Christmas will ever be the same again.

The Duggars

I haven't watched their show or really followed a whole lot of the publicity on the Duggars but they got my attention last week.  I had heard that Michelle was pregnant with her 20th baby and I thought she was crazy with what had happened last time.  I feel she was risking her life getting pregnant again but I am not her doctor nor am I her.  It was her decision.  When I heard about her miscarriage last week I felt so bad for her.  She was just a little less far along than I was when we lost Nathan.  It is hard.  It doesn't matter whether it's your first baby or your 20th, losing a baby stinks.  I have watched, horrified, as people have commented on her situation.  There are so many people who have written in on news articles stating that this was God's way of telling her she is done having children.  That she should take the hint and quit.  That she is somehow responsible for this outcome because of her age/family size/beliefs.  I hope she never reads them.  It's hard enough grieving without being in the public eye.  I cannot imagine grieving in front of millions of people.  People who see fit to judge you for your decisions.  I was guilty of it when I heard about her pregnancy and I am sorry for it.  It is not my place to judge her and her decisions. 
Now, pictures of little Jubilee's precious hands and feet have been spread all over the web.  The Duggars are being judged for that as well.  People are calling the pictures "controversial." Why?  They are sweet pictures of a life lost.  I found myself comparing Jubilee's hands and feet to Nathan's.  His fingers were longer, but then again, all of our babies had long fingers.  Her feet looked very much like Nathan's feet did.  I saw the pictures and I cried.  I hurt for the Duggars and what they are going through right now.  And I still hurt for my little family.  In a lot of ways we have moved on but there are moments here and there to remind us of what we are missing.  I still look at Henry and wonder if Nathan's smile would have looked like his. (He has a great smile.)  I see babies born last December and wonder if Nathan would have been doing all of the same things.   Nathan's due date is fast approaching and that familiar longing is still there.  I continue to mourn for my sweet Nathan and my prayers are with the Duggar family as they process this loss and try to deal with the reality of life after losing a child. 

A cold and rainy day

Dear Nathan,

The Walk to Remember is going on right now and we're not there.  We haven't forgotten you.  It's a cold and rainy day and we didn't want your baby brother out in that kind of weather.  Also, your sister has a sinus infection and needs to stay home and get better.  I hate to miss it. There will be no tulip planted in your memory this year.  Daddy asked me last night why I even wanted to go back this year.  I have thought about it and I think it's because life is going at a very fast clip right now and I wanted to stop and think about you for just a little while.  I can't even hear myself think most of the time.  But you are there, in the back of my mind all the time.  We all look at life through our own personal filters and you are a permanent part of mine.  I still see everything though the loss of you.  I guess that's why your baby brother is a tad bit spoiled.  We just now put him out of our bedroom and I panicked.  I know what losing a child feels like and I am scared to death that I will have to go through that again.  I felt better having him where I could hear him breathe.  I remember checking on your older siblings when they were sleeping just to make sure they were okay.  It's worse this time around.  The whole process of parenting is letting go and that is hard.  Henry needs to have space to grow and learn.  He can't do that if I smother him.  But, just for today, I will squeeze him a little tighter and remember you, my precious Nathan, whom I never got to see grow.  Goodbye, little one. 
                                                                                                Love you always,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Baby Dedication

Nathan, we had Henry's baby dedication today.  That's where we promise to teach him all about God and the church agrees to support us with that.  I got a little sad.  I realized that I cannot teach you anything.  You don't need me to teach you about God.  You already know way more than I do about Him.  I am sad you're not here for me to teach but I'm also jealous of you.  You already have all of the answers to the questions I want to ask God.  You know why God chose to let you die.  You have no doubts or fears.  Your every want and need is met before you even have to ask.  You get to feel God's presence all of the time.  You never feel alone.  You're never sad.  You never miss anyone.  I can't wait to get to Heaven.  It will be that much sweeter because I finally get to meet you for the first time.  I promise to raise your baby brother (and your other siblings) to know all that I can teach them about God so that they will choose to love God and come to meet you, too.  I still miss you every day, sweet baby boy.

Happy Birthday, Nathan.

One year ago today I gave birth to my sweet Nathan.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We have come a long way in a year but it's still hard.  Having Henry here helps in a way but he's also a very real reminder of what we lost.  I can't help but look at him and wonder if Nathan would have had the same long fingers and big feet.  What would he have looked like if he had been allowed to develop fully.  Would he like the 1812 Overture like Henry does?  Would he love to be talked to like Henry?  Would he have slept as well?  Would he have smiled so early?  We'll never know what he would have been like and that is hard.  I don't know my own son.  I missed out on learning about him and seeing his personality develop.  I missed his first smile and his first laugh.  I missed comforting him when he cried and singing him to sleep.  I won't ever see him grow up.  He'll never run or ride a bike.  He won't grow up and get married and have kids of his own.  Today we remember what little time we had with him and cry over what we have missed.  There will be no first birthday party; only a small trip to the cemetery to visit his grave.  I hope God is throwing him a big party up there in Heaven.  Someday we will get to celebrate with him but until then we will try to move on and live lives that will make Nathan proud to call us family.

Welcome Home Nathan

That's what the sign says at a local church.  We were heading out to lunch and laughing.  The laughter stopped when we saw that sign.  My husband said it was a landmine and he is right.  They are everywhere; these little reminders ready to punch us in the gut and remind us of our loss.  My mom has referred to Henry as Nathan twice and I have done the same thing.  It's not like when I have to run through all of the kids' names before I get the right one.  When I make the mistake of calling a living child by the dead child's name it's another punch in the gut.  Does this get easier?  Is there some day when hearing or seeing the name Nathan won't make me flinch?  Is there a day coming when seeing a sign welcoming Nathan home won't make me cry?  My husband told me that the sign is true.  That Nathan is home.  And that he is waiting for us and someday we could go home, too.  I know that's true but it still feels like a member of our family is missing.  It still hurts that he is gone.  And it's hard going through my day not knowing what will trigger sadness and tears.  When I saw that sign I stopped and prayed for God to take good care of our son and I know he is.

What Nathan has taught me so far.

I want him back.  I miss him and I always will.  I refuse to let his death have no meaning.  I am constantly looking for clues as to what I am supposed to be learning though this experience.  So far the major lesson that I have learned is that I should never take my kids for granted.  They are here right now and I need to enjoy every minute of it.  You never know what will happen in the future.  I have also learned that God's plans for me are not necessarily going to be fun or what I want but He has a broader picture of my life and how I need to be.  Nathan's life and death are a big part of getting me there.  It's easy to trust God when everything is going well but a totally different thing altogether to trust Him when you are going through trials.  He didn't cause me to lose Nathan but He did allow it to happen.  I could have easily become bitter but I found myself leaning on Him even more.  Nathan has taught me to go to God first when I am hurting and confused and He will comfort me better than any human is capable of.  But....losing Nathan has shown me in a very real way that God can use people to be His arms and legs.  I have learned to not only accept help and comfort from people but to ask for it when I need it.  I have learned that life is messy.  I can't wish Nathan back without thinking about giving up Henry, too.  I can't do that.  I have to focus on the blessing God has given me in both Nathan and Henry.  Nathan's death made Henry's life possible.  That is the gift Nathan gave Henry.  And someday they will meet each other in Heaven.  Nathan is there now waiting on all of us to join him someday.  And I know he got the better end of this deal.

He's here!!!!!

After a three year journey to have baby #4, Henry arrived on Tuesday, July 12th.  He is perfect.  I forgot how quickly I fell in love with my other children.  It's happened again.  I am head over heels in love with this baby.  I am handling things better than I thought I would.  I thought I would have a really hard time with flashbacks to our experience with Nathan but they have been few so far.  I panicked in the hospital when Jim left to take care of an air conditioning problem at our house and I was alone with Henry.  I was terrified that something was wrong with Henry and he was going to die, too.  I even made the nurse come check his temperature to make sure he was okay.  And when I got home and went to take a shower I saw my flat(ter) stomach I remembered when I came home without Nathan.  I am trying really hard to focus on the gift God has given me and it has turned out to be easier than I thought.  I know we have a lot of hormonal days ahead and things could change but right now I am just enjoying my new little one.  And he is so easy to enjoy.  He even let me sleep for 4 hours straight last night.

Dear Henry...

Dear Sweet Henry,
We get to meet you in 4 days and we're so excited!  It's been a long, hard journey but we're finally at the end.  I just want to let you know that I might cry.  There will be happy tears for you a sad tears for your brother we never got to meet.  It will be bittersweet.  But we love you and we can't wait to hold you for the first time.  Your daddy has spent a good portion of the past few days smiling when he thinks of meeting you.  I keep tearing up because I can't believe it's actually happening.  We're going to meet you in 4 days!!!!  I hope you like being a part of our family.  The kids are so excited to meet you.  We will all do our best to keep you healthy and happy.  You're in good hands.  So come on out so we can all snuggle you and get to know you.  We're ready.  We have everything you'll need and we're all ready for your arrival.  Anytime is good but if you choose to wait, see you on Tuesday.  We love you, sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

I can't complain.

No, really, I can't.  I don't know if it's just me doing the judging but I kind of assume others are, too.  I know my thoughts.  I'm hot, tired, fat, sore, sleepy and it hurts to walk.  The second I think any of these things or actually have the nerve to say them the internal dialogue starts.  "Why are you complaining?  At least Henry's alive."  "Well, he's alive for now."  I can't stand the thought of going through all of this and having to lose another baby but the thought is there all the same. 
It applies to other people's complaints as well.  "My child is driving me crazy."  "Well, at least you have your child."  "I'm not getting enough sleep."  "Well, at least you didn't lose your baby."  It's not fair to others but the thought is there.  I'm getting better, though.  I am able to have sympathy for peoples' plights now.  When we first lost Nathan I just wanted people to stop complaining.  There is nothing else worth complaining about when you have lost a child.  But....I'm human and they're human and humans complain.  It's one of the ways we try to connect with other people.  We tell people our problems hoping that they have been there or they will understand.  We want to be understood and accepted.  I write this blog in the hopes that the readers will gain some insight into what losing a child feels like.  I write in the hopes that it will help them sympathize with someone going through the loss of a child.  I write because I'm human and I have a need to be understood.  But I will continue to fight for every bit of joy Henry is trying to give me.  And I will try my best to keep things in perspective and not complain.  I am truly lucky that Henry is alive and I will hang on to that as much as I can.  Every ache, pain, and tear is worth it to get to hold my baby boy in my arms and hear his first cry.

Some shows should come with warning labels.

I am about to make a confession.  I'm not really a fan of most shows aimed at women.  Give me a good episode of Criminal Minds any day.  But....I do watch one show that my husband doesn't even want to be in the room for.  It's Hawthorne on TNT.  Jim was off at the movies spending 4 hours watching the director's cut of the second Lord of the Rings movie last night so I decided to watch the season premiere of Hawthorne.  I read the description first.  A nice, pleasant description of Hawthorne having her wedding day.  If you watch this show and haven't seen the premiere yet, stop reading.  So, I'm watching, she's getting married and then she's back at the hospital(she's a nurse.)  So far so good.  She's walking to her car talking to her new husband on the phone when she is attacked.  Did I mention she's 20 weeks pregnant?  And that the guy kicked her several times in the stomach?  I know I should turn it off then, but there's still hope that everything is going to turn out okay so I keep watching.  Bad idea.  I probably should avoid ever watching this show again after how things went.
She's in the hospital in ICU fighting for her baby to live and a former co-worker comes in to deliver her own baby.  Fast forward a little bit and we have this woman delivering her baby in one room while across the hall Hawthorne has to deliver her dead baby.  I am standing in that hallway.  I have had to deliver Nathan knowing he would not go home with me, would never take a breath or smile.  And now I'm looking forward toward delivering a healthy full term baby.  I got a glimpse of how emotional that is going to be when I watched this show.  I cried.  I cried for the joy I know I will have when Henry gets here and I cried for the loss of Nathan and the pain of losing him.  I have been standing in that hallway since October of last year when we got pregnant with Henry.  I am standing there still.  And I am so eager to move into that room where I get to walk out with my precious newborn baby.  This goes to show that God can use anything to speak to us, even a sappy t.v. show.

Some things need to be done alone.

Jim picked up the box for Nathan's things today.  I knew that this would not be an easy day for me.  I felt like I needed to look at every single thing again before I put them in the box.  I cried my way through it.  My son asked me if he could come and help and I had to tell him no.  It was just something I needed to do on my own.  I cried through each picture, card, blanket...it was like I was saying goodbye all over again.  I sat there sobbing and hugging my belly.  Those pesky contradicting emotions were there again.  I ached for Nathan while, at the same time, looked forward to meeting Henry in less than a month. 
The last thing I put in the box was an empty ring box.  I haven't mentioned this here before but I have a simple, small white gold band for each of my children.  I had their names and birth dates engraved on the inside of each ring.  I wear Jack, Anna, and Katherine's rings on a chain around my neck.  We had one made a few days after Nathan was born and it has been on the ring finger of my right hand ever since.  I really felt like it might be time to take it off and put it in with the other things in the box.  I tried, I really did, but it felt like I was ripping my heart out when I took that ring off.  I couldn't do it.  So the ring sits on my finger as a visual reminder of what I have lost.  And the box sits in the family room as a visual reminder to all that there is someone still missing from this family.

Can't sleep.

It seems that as we get closer and closer to Henry's birth I find myself more and more back in the delivery room with Nathan.  My arms still ache to hold him.  I miss my little boy so much.  We only had a few hours with him before they took him away for pictures.  I knew that I couldn't take him back after that or I would never let him go.  It is so hard to say goodbye.  I'm still not sure I can do it.  There is a part of me that clings to Nathan and just can't let him go.  He is my son, whether or not I got to raise him.  There is a sadness in me that I know will never fully go away.  I don't know why we lost him and I won't ever know and that is hard to live with.  I have talked with my grandmother, who lost three babies.  One to stillbirth, one to miscarriage, and one that was born alive, just too early.  She still lives with the pain and that was at least 50 years ago.  I sometimes wish that God didn't think I was strong enough to handle this.  I look forward to years of missing my son and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on.  It hurts too much.  But...then one of my kids will do something silly or Henry will wake up and wiggle all over and I have joy.  I am trying to move forward while still missing the son I have to leave in the past.  I don't know how I've made it this far and I don't know how I'll make it from now on.  I guess I just lean on God and trust that he will help me through.

I miss my friend.

I was sorting through my address book making sure I had all my ducks in a row for the birth announcements when I realized how much has changed.  I had trouble wrapping my brain around all of the people in my address book that I have no contact with anymore.  It makes me sad.  When you lose your church, you lose almost everyone you thought you could count on.  Some hurt more than others.  Like my former best friend.  I understand that it is difficult to believe that your pastor is not doing what he should be but three years of a close friendship should have been enough to make her aware that I would never make this stuff up.  I just pulled addresses from our former church directory.  I was using it to get the addresses of everyone who has left.  From that directory alone there are 12 families who were pushed out of the church.  There are more.  20 total to be exact.  The one thing that all of these people had in common was getting on the pastor's bad side.  From there, they either went quietly or stubbornly held on the the belief that things could be made right. (We are in the second category.)  Things went okay for the ones who just left.  The ones who tried to make things right first, well, things didn't go so well for them.  Several of us have been insulted and falsely accused.  We have had our former pastor talk to other pastors, encouraging them to refuse us and make us come back to his church.  Yet...my former best friend still stands by him.  Even with all of her concerns and questions about the leadership that she has had in the past.  People have been kicked out since we left.  I'm not sure what the spin is on that but I don't understand how someone could be so blind.  These people aren't leaving because they are moving, although some moved to get away from our former pastor.  They are leaving because the pastor doesn't like them and he is willing to lie to get them out.  How do you compete with such a smooth-talking "wolf in sheep's clothing?"  So I sit here, mourning the loss of my friend and hoping that she will one day see the true character of the man who is leading that church.  I want that friendship back, but not if it means she believes what my former pastor says about me.  That's not much of a friendship at all.  So I wait and I pray and I hope that someday soon I can share the joy of that friendship again.

6 more weeks!

When I went to the doctor last week she set up an induction for the 12th of July.  We have, at the most, 6 more weeks to go before we meet this little guy.  I'm really excited to meet him but nervous because that's 6 more weeks I have to keep him alive in there.  Everything is colored by our experience with Nathan.  I see everything through that filter.  I have suspected for a while that the staff at the doctor's office is informed about what happened with Nathan before they deal with me.   Today, at our non-stress test, this was confirmed.  I appreciate this as there is an extra sensitivity there that wouldn't be there without that knowledge.  So, from here on out, I am at the doctor's for a non-stress test twice a week, a doctor's visit once and week, and a biophysical profile every three weeks.  My doctor is being very careful to monitor both me and Henry very closely and I appreciate every visit.  Every test he passes is a weight off of me.  Today he needed a little bit of encouragement to pass his non-stress test.  The nurse used something called an activator to wake him up since he was having a nice little snooze.  This device was placed next to Henry's head and produced a loud buzz and a vibration.  He spent the next ten minutes letting us know how much he disliked his treatment.  (I think he might have a wee bit of his mommy's temper.)  I can't wait to meet him, but in the meantime all of this monitoring is very reassuring for me.

Baby Shower

God is taking care of me through everything.  I struggle so much with celebrating Henry because the loss of Nathan is still so fresh.  When we had to leave our previous church I was sad because I didn't think I would get a baby shower.  It's not about the stuff.  We can afford to get everything Henry needs.  It's about celebrating him with people who care about Henry and me.  I wanted the party.  Well, some of my friends, behind my back, have been planning a shower for quite a while.  I just found out about it a few days ago.  I am overwhelmed by their generosity and love.  And, I can't wait to celebrate Henry with them.  These friends have been there for me through this entire ugly year.  I can't think of anyone else I would rather celebrate with than them.  Thanks, guys, you know who you are.

As we get closer

As we get closer to the birth of Henry I am struggling.  I am so excited to meet him face to face yet....what if?  What if he doesn't make it?  What if he is stillborn like Nathan?  What if he dies in his sleep after we take him home?  These fears and the approaching birthday for Henry have brought flashbacks to our experience with Nathan.  Memories are flooding back and I find myself depressed and crying.  The other night I was trying to get to sleep and I kept remembering being in the hospital after we had Nathan.  We had several hours with him and that was it.  No more time to hold him.  I had to hand him over to the nurse knowing that I would never see him again.  I hope and I pray that we will have years and years with Henry but I'm scared that it won't happen.  No one knows what happened with Nathan and I worry that the same thing could happen with Henry.  My husband said he feels like all of the tests they are running on Henry are excessive.  I do not.  Every single one of them is reassurance that he is doing great.  He's big and strong and is passing all tests with flying colors.  We praise God for that.  And we look forward to meeting our little boy face to face.