Here we go again.

Well, almost 3 months after losing Nathan I am pregnant again.  And terrified.  I know way too much about what can go wrong.  I find no comfort in statistics; I was on the wrong end of one.  This is going to be a bumpy ride.  I froze at church this morning because I was too paralyzed with fear to even decide who to tell.  I had to talk myself through a near panic attack over it.  Yup, this should be fun.  Jim and I talked about what to say when we announced.  "We're going to have a baby!"  Well, we thought, if nothing goes wrong this time.  "We're expecting!"  Well, quite frankly we're not sure what to expect.  So we've fallen back on the old standby, "We're pregnant."  That's true....for now.  Every twinge, every thing that goes differently than previous pregnancies, everything that is the same as when I was pregnant with Nathan is cause for concern.  People can tell me that things will be fine, that God won't give me more than I can handle.  Well, I've learned that God thinks I can handle a lot more than I think I can.  I've ordered a doppler.  I can't even use it until I'm 10 weeks but I need that peace of mind.  I had one child die on me without my knowing it.  That is not going to happen again.  I know that there will be days that the baby doesn't move as much as I would like.  Instead of calling the doctor in a panic, I'll just check for the heartbeat myself.  Probably multiple times a day.  I am under no illusion that this is going to be a fun pregnancy.  I am going to be in fear until the baby is safely delivered and I might be a bit more paranoid than normal after that.  This is the first time that I am not convinced that the baby is safer inside me.  Things can go wrong.  Very wrong.  I know that all too well.  All I can do is pray and hang on for the ride.