A Long Way To Go

I have been impressed with what God has been doing with me through the loss of my son.  I felt sure that the trial was almost over and there wasn't much more God could do with me through this.  Church this morning showed me I still have a long way to go.  We were singing praise songs and got to a song entitled "Everyday."  The beginning of the lyrics for the chorus say; "Thank you for the trials, for the fire, for the pain."  I had to leave.  I'm just not there yet.  I cannot stand in church and praise God for the loss of my precious baby boy.  And no matter how much good He does with this, no matter how much more like Jesus I become, I cannot thank Him for the loss of my child.  Eventually I will be able to thank Him for what He has done with it, but I'm not anywhere close to that right now.  It hurts too much.  That is something God understands. 
I left the service and went into a room to be alone with God.  I told Him I couldn't thank him for letting Nathan die but that I want Him to work in me and make me more like Him through this.  Well, I went back into the service and the hymn we sang was "I am Thine, O Lord."  Just look at the verses to this song.  This is where I am.  This is my desire.  I don't have all the answers.  I won't know some things until I am in heaven with God, but I long to understand.  I long to be taught and to be loved and to have the faith I need to get me through this life.  And as long as that desire is there, God will lead me where I need to go.  He'll carry me there if that is what it takes.

"I Am Thine, O Lord"

1. I am thine, O Lord, I have heard thy voice, 
 and it told thy love to me; 
 but I long to rise in the arms of faith 
 and be closer drawn to thee. 
Refrain:
 Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, 
 to the cross where thou hast died. 
 Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, 
 to thy precious, bleeding side. 

2. Consecrate me now to thy service, Lord, 
 by the power of grace divine; 
 let my soul look up with a steadfast hope, 
 and my will be lost in thine. 
 (Refrain) 

3. O the pure delight of a single hour 
 that before thy throne I spend, 
 when I kneel in prayer, and with thee, my God, 
 I commune as friend with friend! 
 (Refrain) 

4. There are depths of love that I cannot know 
 till I cross the narrow sea; 
 there are heights of joy that I may not reach 
 till I rest in peace with thee. 
 (Refrain)