It's not just about me.

Becoming pregnant again has brought a lot of things to the surface.  I have been having a lot of flashbacks to when I was carrying Nathan, his delivery, and the aftermath.  I keep going back to the ultrasound room where I was told that my son had died inside me.  To the hospital when his cold, lifeless body landed on the bed.  To holding him and seeing how perfect his little hands and feet were.  To the funeral where all I could see of my son was the coffin he was being buried in.  I have no desire to repeat any of that, yet I have no assurances that things will be different this time.  God obviously thought I could handle a lot more than I thought I could.  Maybe He thinks I can handle losing another child.  I don't know.  It is putting a damper on my joy.  I am having a hard time believing that I actually am pregnant again.  I am having trouble believing that I will have a living son or daughter at the end of this process.  So are my kids.  Jack told me he thinks God changed his mind and decided we shouldn't have another boy after all and killed Nathan.  He is convinced this baby will be another sister for him.  He just can't hope that there will be a brother for him.  It hurt too much last time.  Katherine is convinced she had something to do with Nathan's death.  She told me yesterday that she will do her best to make this baby cooperate.  It broke my heart.  I don't know where these ideas have come from.  We have never blamed God for Nathan's death.  We have never even hinted that any of the kids were to blame for what happened.  But the thoughts are there.  And I don't feel equipped to handle them.  But God obviously thinks I can.  I know our family will come out stronger on the other side of this.  My children's characters are being molded how God sees fit.  The repercussions of this tragic event will spread to everyone my children have contact with throughout their lives.  God didn't cause Nathan's death, but He could see the big picture and knew we would all somehow be better because of it.  Now I just have to trust that whatever is in store for us with this new pregnancy that God will see us through.  He was there in the midst of the worst of the grieving and He is here with us now.