Due Date

Yesterday was Nathan's due date.  In some ways this day was easier to get through than Christmas Eve.  You see, we had our Christmas a day early because of travel plans.  I had had so many people tell me that Nathan was my Christmas present that it was very hard to go through it without him.  I tried very hard to keep it from my family so that I wouldn't ruin Christmas and apparently I did a good job.  My husband didn't even know I was upset that day.  Fast-forward to yesterday.  I started off my day crying in the shower.  I was remembering how Nathan's delivery had gone and comparing it to how it should have been and I lost it.  I still want my baby HERE.  I'm still not sure why God has him now and I don't.  It's something I'm sure I won't know the answer to until I get to heaven and see Nathan there.  I am grateful to God that he allowed us to get pregnant again so quickly.  I am grateful that I was pregnant through Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Every time I have started to get down thinking about Nathan I remember the baby I am carrying and I am brought back out of my depression.  This baby is in no way a replacement for Nathan but that doesn't mean he or she shouldn't make me happy.  I need to remind myself of this daily.  I am not being disloyal to my son in looking forward to meeting his baby brother or sister.  This baby deserves to be celebrated, too, but there will always be a special place in my heart for my precious baby boy.

All is Well.

I spent most of the day in a panic waiting for our doctor's appointment this afternoon.  The last time we had an ultrasound it wasn't exactly good news.  It turns out that there was no need to worry.  We have one wiggly baby with a strong heartbeat who is measuring right on target.   I'm sure I can ride on this for a good day or so before I start worrying again. ( Can I use the doppler yet?!?!?)  I showed the kids the pictures and explained what we saw at the ultrasound.  Jack asked me if seeing the heartbeat meant that this baby wasn't going to die.  I explained that the odds were good that this baby would make it but that was as far as I could go with that.  We got on the wrong end of the statistic last time and I am not at all comforted by the fact that there is little chance of it happening again.  But, there is no reason to panic a 9 year old boy so I just didn't go there.  I just now told my husband that God is doing a good job directing our lives.  With the exception of Nathan's death, everything has worked out in our favor eventually.  And I have to trust that Nathan's death did serve some purpose.  But the what-ifs start creeping in.  What if God thinks I can handle more loss?  What if this baby dies, too?  How much am I supposed to take before I break?  And then I just have to pray and ask God to help me trust Him more.  And He does.

Well, went to the nurse today.

In my ob's practice a newly pregnant woman is required to go see the nurse first no matter how recently she has gone or how many times she's been through this.  This is pregnancy #6 and I would have really liked to have skipped it this time around.  But, I got up an hour and a half before I normally do to drive in the snow to see the nurse.  Why, you ask, did I not call to reschedule?  Because I am worried enough about this whole pregnancy without delaying my first doctor's visit.  (6 more days!)  It never occurred to me that I might have a problem being at the same doctor's office where I found out Nathan had died.  I'm not sure why.  Looking back it seems obvious.  So, I am waiting in the hallway nearly hyperventilating while the computers are acting up and my appointment is delayed.  The nurse finally comes and gets me and, surprise, surprise, my blood pressure and heart rate are elevated.  This is going well so far.  After asking me 500 questions the nurse takes me to the lab.  I hate needles and did I mention I was already having trouble being there?  My blood is drawn and the technician tells me congratulations.  I bolted.  Congratulations seem very premature.  I still have almost 30 weeks to get through and there are no guarantees.  I wondered if it is obvious to people that I am nervous and not as excited as I should be.  If so, do they think something is wrong with me?  Oh, well, can't worry about that right now my car is covered in snow and I have no ice scraper.  I got in the car and put the defrost on full-blast.  No go.  I look around to see what I can use and my eyes fall on a phone book.  Well, I want to go home and there's nothing else so why not?  I get out of the car and scrape the back window with the phone book.  I climb back in and pray the whole way home that I do not wreck and harm this baby that I am carrying even though I'm not convinced I will get to meet this one, either.  Welcome to my world of contradictions.  Happy, sad.  Joyful, depressed.  Expectant, terrified.  Convinced, uncertain.  All I can do is lean on Jesus and hold on for the ride.

My Prayer

Lord, thank you for loving me no matter what.  Thank you for standing by me when others are not willing.  Thank you, Lord, for picking me up when others knock me down.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am, warts and all.  Thank you for being able to see my heart and know who I really am when others are unable or unwilling to do so.  Thank you for carrying me when I don't have the strength to make it through one more day.  Thank you for whispering the truth in my ear when I start to believe the false things said about me and to me.  Thank you for being patient with me and for being willing to give me the time I need to work through things.  Thank you for always speaking the truth to me in love and with compassion.  Thank you for making Your presence known to me in a very real manner.  Thank you, Lord, for reminding me who I can trust and that I am not alone.   Thank you for providing true friends who will comfort me and give me a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for protecting the baby from the stress I am under.  Thank you for the baby.  But most of all, thank you for dying on the cross for me.  I don't deserve it but you did it anyway.  That is pure and true love.  I want to love you like that in return.

I am tired.

Tired of dealing with well-meaning people who say stupid things.  Tired of dealing with the everyday problems that come up.  Tired of dealing with people who don't seem to understand that I lost a BABY.  People who would tell you that they are pro-life.  People who say that life begins at conception.  But who somehow feel like my loss was less because he died before he was born.  Here's a newsflash that they will never read because they don't care enough to actually read my blog and find out how I'm doing.  I LOST MY SON!  If you're having a hard time understanding that just imagine life without one of your children.  It's the same thing.  Your precious son or daughter gone.  There one day, gone the next.  Just spend a few minutes thinking about how you would feel.  Then you will begin to understand what I have been though. Maybe.  We named him.  We looked forward to raising him.  We talked about him with our children.  They were excited, too.  We saw him on the ultrasound.  I felt him moving inside me.  We wondered who he was going to look like, act like.  Who he was going to be.  It's all gone.  And our son is buried in the dirt with a pretty grave marker to show he is not forgotten.  I am not okay.  I will never be okay.  There will always be someone missing from this family.  A piece missing from my heart.  So, unless you take the time to really understand what I'm going through please refrain from commenting.  Asking me if we'll name our next son Nathan is insensitive, no matter how great an idea you think it is.  It shows a lack of understanding that we lost our SON.  A person.  Someone who was very much loved and cannot be replaced.  So please, for my sake and yours, don't talk about it unless you take the time to truly understand.  You're not helping.

I'm surprisingly calm.

I expected to be a total wreck during this pregnancy.  I was for the first few days.  It's amazing what a little prayer can do.  I just asked God to give me His peace during this time and you know what?  He did.  I feel a peace.  I feel like things will be okay no matter the outcome.  But I also feel like we will get a live baby this time.  I know there are rocky days ahead.  I expected to be induced two weeks early with Nathan so the 14th is going to be hard.  Then there is his due date, the 28th.  The biggie, though, is going to be the 21 week ultrasound with this baby.  I have so many bad memories of that day with Nathan that I am a little scared of doing it again.  But God will get me through it.  He's gotten me through everything so far and there is no reason to doubt Him now.  I can do this...with God's help.  On another note, I asked God to make this pregnancy different from Nathan's.  I knew I would obsess about every little thing that is the same.  I was very sick with Nathan.  Not really sick with this one.  I was VERY tired with Nathan.  Less so with this baby.  I didn't show with Nathan until a few days before we lost him.  I am already showing now.  God is good.  I realize now how much I was depending on myself to get me through life.  Now, I am turning to God first for help.  And He is answering.  No request is too small for Him.  I know that now.

Nathan made a friend this week.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Your child is in good company, though.  Nathan will watch over your baby and show him the ropes.  I have cried many tears for you today.  I never expected this day would come so soon.  I saw something shiny near Nathan's grave and wondered what had been left this time.  It was the wrapper for your flowers.  I saw your note.  Cling tightly to the child you got to keep.  Give them more hugs and kisses than they can stand.  Treasure every moment.  You know how precious those moments are.  I know your pain is too great right now.  I know you feel like it will never get better.  I'm here to tell you that it will.  There will be days where you can make it through without crying.  I am not so sure there will be days where you won't think of your lost child.  I haven't had one yet.  But you will make it through.  It hurts.  It stinks.  And I'm sorry you are having to live through this hell.  I don't even know you or your child's name but I am praying for you.  And he is playing with Nathan in heaven today.

It's not just about me.

Becoming pregnant again has brought a lot of things to the surface.  I have been having a lot of flashbacks to when I was carrying Nathan, his delivery, and the aftermath.  I keep going back to the ultrasound room where I was told that my son had died inside me.  To the hospital when his cold, lifeless body landed on the bed.  To holding him and seeing how perfect his little hands and feet were.  To the funeral where all I could see of my son was the coffin he was being buried in.  I have no desire to repeat any of that, yet I have no assurances that things will be different this time.  God obviously thought I could handle a lot more than I thought I could.  Maybe He thinks I can handle losing another child.  I don't know.  It is putting a damper on my joy.  I am having a hard time believing that I actually am pregnant again.  I am having trouble believing that I will have a living son or daughter at the end of this process.  So are my kids.  Jack told me he thinks God changed his mind and decided we shouldn't have another boy after all and killed Nathan.  He is convinced this baby will be another sister for him.  He just can't hope that there will be a brother for him.  It hurt too much last time.  Katherine is convinced she had something to do with Nathan's death.  She told me yesterday that she will do her best to make this baby cooperate.  It broke my heart.  I don't know where these ideas have come from.  We have never blamed God for Nathan's death.  We have never even hinted that any of the kids were to blame for what happened.  But the thoughts are there.  And I don't feel equipped to handle them.  But God obviously thinks I can.  I know our family will come out stronger on the other side of this.  My children's characters are being molded how God sees fit.  The repercussions of this tragic event will spread to everyone my children have contact with throughout their lives.  God didn't cause Nathan's death, but He could see the big picture and knew we would all somehow be better because of it.  Now I just have to trust that whatever is in store for us with this new pregnancy that God will see us through.  He was there in the midst of the worst of the grieving and He is here with us now.

Well, there goes my nap.

I was exhausted, now I'm panicked.  I love you, Jim, but...really?  We were having a conversation this afternoon while playing pool.  The conversation started innocent enough.  I mentioned how tired I was and then I said it was for a good cause.  Then I added, "well, at least I hope so."  Jim said he was thinking the same thing.  We're a little scared.  Understandable I think, after everything we have been through.  So I mentioned how incredibly small the statistics were for the same thing happening again.  It's like 1% of the 1.5% that it is for a stillbirth to happen at all.  So, my engineer hubby mentioned this was how statistics work.  Stopping there would have been good, wonderful, helpful.  My poor hubby, who has been so wonderful throughout this whole ordeal, did not stop there, however.  He goes on to tell me that that statistic is only true if there is a known reason for the stillbirth to have happened to begin with.  Otherwise, he tells me, the statistics are the same.  I started sobbing.  A lot.  I lost my appetite for pool-playing and I left.  Sorry, Jim, about the lack of a hug.  At least I didn't smack you.  Now, here I sit on the couch after furiously cleaning, wrapping gifts, and folding clothes.  My brain is running a million miles a minute and there is no hope of a nap anytime soon.  And I am tired.  Maybe writing this will help my brain shut down.  Please, Lord, let that be the case, I need to sleep.

Here we go again.

Well, almost 3 months after losing Nathan I am pregnant again.  And terrified.  I know way too much about what can go wrong.  I find no comfort in statistics; I was on the wrong end of one.  This is going to be a bumpy ride.  I froze at church this morning because I was too paralyzed with fear to even decide who to tell.  I had to talk myself through a near panic attack over it.  Yup, this should be fun.  Jim and I talked about what to say when we announced.  "We're going to have a baby!"  Well, we thought, if nothing goes wrong this time.  "We're expecting!"  Well, quite frankly we're not sure what to expect.  So we've fallen back on the old standby, "We're pregnant."  That's true....for now.  Every twinge, every thing that goes differently than previous pregnancies, everything that is the same as when I was pregnant with Nathan is cause for concern.  People can tell me that things will be fine, that God won't give me more than I can handle.  Well, I've learned that God thinks I can handle a lot more than I think I can.  I've ordered a doppler.  I can't even use it until I'm 10 weeks but I need that peace of mind.  I had one child die on me without my knowing it.  That is not going to happen again.  I know that there will be days that the baby doesn't move as much as I would like.  Instead of calling the doctor in a panic, I'll just check for the heartbeat myself.  Probably multiple times a day.  I am under no illusion that this is going to be a fun pregnancy.  I am going to be in fear until the baby is safely delivered and I might be a bit more paranoid than normal after that.  This is the first time that I am not convinced that the baby is safer inside me.  Things can go wrong.  Very wrong.  I know that all too well.  All I can do is pray and hang on for the ride.

A Long Way To Go

I have been impressed with what God has been doing with me through the loss of my son.  I felt sure that the trial was almost over and there wasn't much more God could do with me through this.  Church this morning showed me I still have a long way to go.  We were singing praise songs and got to a song entitled "Everyday."  The beginning of the lyrics for the chorus say; "Thank you for the trials, for the fire, for the pain."  I had to leave.  I'm just not there yet.  I cannot stand in church and praise God for the loss of my precious baby boy.  And no matter how much good He does with this, no matter how much more like Jesus I become, I cannot thank Him for the loss of my child.  Eventually I will be able to thank Him for what He has done with it, but I'm not anywhere close to that right now.  It hurts too much.  That is something God understands. 
I left the service and went into a room to be alone with God.  I told Him I couldn't thank him for letting Nathan die but that I want Him to work in me and make me more like Him through this.  Well, I went back into the service and the hymn we sang was "I am Thine, O Lord."  Just look at the verses to this song.  This is where I am.  This is my desire.  I don't have all the answers.  I won't know some things until I am in heaven with God, but I long to understand.  I long to be taught and to be loved and to have the faith I need to get me through this life.  And as long as that desire is there, God will lead me where I need to go.  He'll carry me there if that is what it takes.

"I Am Thine, O Lord"

1. I am thine, O Lord, I have heard thy voice, 
 and it told thy love to me; 
 but I long to rise in the arms of faith 
 and be closer drawn to thee. 
Refrain:
 Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, 
 to the cross where thou hast died. 
 Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, 
 to thy precious, bleeding side. 

2. Consecrate me now to thy service, Lord, 
 by the power of grace divine; 
 let my soul look up with a steadfast hope, 
 and my will be lost in thine. 
 (Refrain) 

3. O the pure delight of a single hour 
 that before thy throne I spend, 
 when I kneel in prayer, and with thee, my God, 
 I commune as friend with friend! 
 (Refrain) 

4. There are depths of love that I cannot know 
 till I cross the narrow sea; 
 there are heights of joy that I may not reach 
 till I rest in peace with thee. 
 (Refrain) 

The Saddest Thing Ever

I heard it said this morning that a small coffin is the saddest thing ever.  I can't argue with that.  This is a picture of Nathan's coffin, which was too big for him.  Not only did I bury my son, but I buried all of the hopes and dreams I had for him.  I know he's in a better place but in my flesh I wanted him to experience so many things here on earth.  I wanted to experience things with him.  And all of that was placed inside a very small coffin and buried under several feet of dirt.  I go visit his grave every week even though I know he's not there.  I talk with him about what is going on and tell him how much he is missed.  And I picture him cold and small and all alone in the ground.  It's irrational, I know, but I have to stop myself from digging him up.  And then I look around at all of the other tiny graves near his and I pray for those families.  Every one of those graves represents a family that has grieved and is still grieving now and I just want to make it stop.  I'm sure that there is a day coming when a new grave will be placed next to Nathan's and I know I will fall apart.  I wish there never had to be such tiny coffins.  No one should ever have to bury their child. 
Lord, come soon so there will be no more pain and suffering.

Please Pardon the Tearstains

I am so sorry I cannot be there for your baby shower on Saturday.  You see, I almost lost it in the card aisle at Target.  I'm just not strong enough to be there.  It was hard to buy the clothes and shoes that I picked out for my little boy.  Even harder to buy the diapers that he will never wear.  But, you are special and so is your baby boy and you deserve a nice present and a party to celebrate.  I'm sorry I haven't been able to look you in the eye when we pass each other in church.  You see, I look at you and I see where I should be, waddling around with swollen ankles, complaining about how heavy my baby is.  But my womb is empty and my baby weighed less than half a pound.  So, you enjoy your day and continue to look forward to meeting your precious baby boy.  I hope someday I can walk up to you and tell you how much I have prayed that your baby will be healthy.  I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone.  I hope someday I can walk up to your baby and look at him and congratulate you.  Maybe someday I will even be able to hold him.  Until then, know I love you and I am sorry I am so weak.

Beating Up Satan

On Thursday, during our weekly date night, I told my husband, Jim, that I had been feeling pretty well emotionally this past week.  About a minute after I said this a strange thing happened.  One of the waitresses came up and asked us if we were out without our son.  We told her we were out without all three kids.  She asked us if we had had a baby recently.  She then told us that she must have us confused with someone else.  Things like this are happening a lot lately.  I'll feel like I'm doing alright and then someone asks me about my kids, or a pregnant woman will walk past, or there will be a little newborn nearby.  It's really easy to let these things get me down.  After all, I am on the outside looking in.  Just 2 months ago I was a part of that.  Pregnant and looking forward to holding my baby.  No more.  Well, back to date night.  Jim saw I was upset by the exchange with the waitress and he said something to me that has helped me immensely.  He told me that it was not that woman's fault.  That Satan was suggesting to her to talk with us.  He then suggested I focus on that and fight back.  And to take it as a good sign that Satan was not getting what he wants out of me.  You are all probably going to think this is nuts, but I started picturing, in my head, a fight between Satan and myself.  I have to say that it was not a fair fight.  Satan might have been a bit wimpy and tied up.  It's not really a fair fight in real life anyway.  I have God on my side and Satan doesn't have a chance.  I used this image again when we went to the movies and not one, but  two pregnant women came in the bathroom while I was in there.  Bring it on, Satan.  My God is bigger than you and He will help me crush you like a bug.

Walk to Remember

Today we participated in our hospital's Walk to Remember.  There was a service where people could share their experiences and then we took a walk around the hospital grounds.  The walk ended at a small tree where we were all able to plant tulip bulbs for our lost children.  Inside the hospital I had to make a quick decision.  How many flowers would we plant?  If we planted two, what would I write on the second marker?  You see, we lost another baby through miscarriage before we ever had kids.  At the time I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again.  I did not mourn for that baby like I should have.  When the doctor told me there was no heartbeat I just wanted "it" out as quickly as possible.  I tried to disconnect myself from that baby.  Now, 10 years later, I realize that I have failed.  That child is as much a part of our family as Nathan is.  And I have failed my first baby again.  I chickened out.  I had no idea whether that child was a boy or a girl.  We never named the baby.  I totally blanked on what I could write on that marker and so we only planted one for Nathan.  I wish I could go back and do it over.  There is nothing wrong with just writing "Baby" for the name.  Why didn't I think of that at the time?  And so I add to the long list of things I would change if I could.

Why Do You Not See?

I am changed.  I am not the same woman I was before my son died.  I am still changing.  I will not be the same woman a year from now.  Grief is a process.  A long one.  Who am I?  I can't really tell you right now.  I am waiting to see what God does with me through this tragedy.  I still make mistakes; sometimes big ones.  That is what it means to be human.  If we could be perfect, then Jesus never needed to die.  I rest in the fact that Jesus covers my mistakes; I just need to be willing to work to not make the same mistakes again.  I have also had to work very hard to try and give people the benefit of the doubt.  My natural tendency is to think that people have the worst possible reasons for doing what they do.  It was what I was taught, how I was raised.  But, you know what?  The more I work on coming up with good reasons for people's actions, the more content I am and the better my relationships become.  It is a learned skill; one I wish people in my life would work on when dealing with me.  Am I done working on this?  No, not by a long shot.  I have to stop myself and redirect my thoughts all the time.  I am hoping that someday it will come naturally but for now I refuse to let my negative thoughts win the battle.  And really, that is all that I can do right now.

Nathan's Grave Marker

 

Nathan's grave marker was placed yesterday.  Just a little more closure for us.  It says he's "playing in God's garden."  I know this is true but every fiber of my being is screaming for him to be playing HERE.  I still don't understand and probably never will until I get to heaven.  It is a daily struggle to continue to trust God with everything we have been though.  As I knelt at his grave this morning God brought a Bible verse to mind:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

--II Corinthians 13:3

Lord, I am really feeling weak right now.  Thank you for reminding me that You are always enough and that You are still here, walking with me through this, molding me into what You want me to be.

Here Are Some Helpful Hints

Here are two links that have been provided to me that help explain what people can do to help and also what they shouldn't do.
Counsel For Griever
An Open Letter to You

"Have you not Known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength."
--Isaiah 40:28-29

Ready for Heaven

I have never been so ready to get to heaven.  This world is full of hurting and pain and I have had my fill.  Heaven is looking better than ever.  An eternity of rest and praising God?  Sign me up.  I have been listening to a song lately that really expresses my feelings quite nicely.  It is Kutless' "I Do Not Belong." 

"I Do Not Belong"

I look around and I feel like, things changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

When the world is behind me on the day that I breathe my last
In the face of eternity there's hope cause' I believe
When I look to the heavens and the future that you hold
It makes it easier to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

This world is not my home
I'm a stranger in this land
But I am not alone
When I do not belong:

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong
No, I do not belong
I do not belong

Fridays are Hard

Fridays are hard.  I gave birth to Nathan on a Friday.  Every week that ache in my gut I thought I got rid of rears its ugly head again.  My emotions are right there at the surface and at some point I will cry.  But I will make it through to another day.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exhults,
and with my song I give thanks to Him.
--Psalm 28:7

Nathan's Story

We got pregnant in March after 6 months of trying.  Everyone was so excited, especially Jack, my oldest.  He was convinced this was his baby brother he had been praying for.  I was told right and left that this was a boy.  When we went in for the ultrasound at 18 weeks to find out the gender, we only had a boy's name picked out.  Sure enough, it was a happy, healthy, wiggling little boy.  I'm not sure what happened between that ultrasound and 3 weeks later when we went back in for the "big" ultrasound to have Nathan checked out.  We waited in the waiting room, excited for a chance to see our son again.  The technician looked around for a minute, took 2 measurements and left to get the doctor.  Those were the scariest minutes in my life.  Having had three kids already, I knew that something was wrong.  The doctor came to the room and told us that Nathan's heart had stopped.  This was the single worst moment in my life.  I really do not remember much that happened after that.  I know Jim went to get the car to bring it around back and that Dr. Kidd sat with me while he was gone.  I know they both had to support me as I left the doctor's office knowing we had to tell our children that their baby brother was dead.
In the car, I cried out to God, asking Him if Nathan was the baby He had told me we were going to have.  His answer was no.  That was my first moment of hope in the midst of this trial.  I was not alone.  God was there and He was letting me know it.  That was only the beginning.
The rest of the day was a blur.  We went to my best friend Kelli's house to tell her what had happened and then went home, relieved the babysitter, told the kids, and made arrangements for me to be induced the next day.  Kelli and another dear friend came and took the kids out of the house for a while.  In the midst of the constant flood of tears we prepared to go to the hospital to deliver our precious baby boy.  That night I honestly didn't feel like reading my Bible like I usually do.  I figured that God understood.
The next morning we went to the hospital and I was admitted into Labor and Delivery.  God again showed that His hand is on everything.  Nurse Betsy was there to greet us. I could not have asked for a better nurse.  She knows her job and does it very well.  From the moment we got to our room, Jim and I could both feel the hundreds of prayers going up on our behalf.  Our friends and family were pouring out their hearts to God on our behalf and He was letting us feel them.  It was overwhelming.
The doctor started the induction after double-checking, at our request,  to make sure Nathan's heart was really not beating.  Now, all we could do was wait.  The phone calls and texts from friends and family were pouring in to Jim's phone and Kelli came to sit for a little while.  Our pastor showed up to pray and visit with us and after he left things really started happening.  Not long after our pastor left, Nathan was born.  Jim saw him first, while the nurses and doctor tended to me and then I got to hold my son.  Jim was not prepared for what he saw, but I had seen pictures of a 21-weeker before and was prepared.  We marveled over the perfect fingers and toes and decided that his ears would have been pointed like Jim's and he would have had Katherine's nose.  I held him for over 4 hours.
A nurse took Nathan and got his footprints, took pictures, and put together a scrapbook for us.  This scrapbook was my constant companion for the next several days.  I held it while they wheeled me out of the hospital the next day, while we picked out a blanket for his coffin, his coffin, and his grave marker.  While we went for lunch, church, and his funeral.  While we marveled over how God had led us here, to the place we live, to the church we belong to, to the neighbors we have.  We agreed that we wouldn't have wanted to go through this anywhere else.  Even 4 years ago when we were deciding where to live, God was guiding our steps, knowing what was in store for us.  Our church family rallied behind us.  We never had to worry about the kids.  They had it covered.  We never had to worry about food.  Our church family made sure we were well fed.  Plants, cards, gifts, food, visits.  It went on and on and we were overwhelmed once again at their love for us.
The first night after we were home from the hospital, I picked up my Bible and looked to see what my scheduled reading was for that day.  Job.  1-3.  Where Job is talking about how much better off a stillborn baby is than a man.  Wow.  Nathan is lucky.  For the next two weeks it was almost like there were neon flashing lights around certain Bible passages.  God was talking to me through His word.
The funeral service was simple.  Just the kids, Jim, me, and our pastor.  I really can't remember what was said.  My grief was too great.  I do remember what God did for me, though.  I will never forget.  As Pastor Mike was speaking, I felt arms wrapping around me and heard angels whispering the names of my friends and family who were praying us through that service.  Again I was overwhelmed by God's love and theirs.  Mike left and we stayed as they finished burying our son.  I had to make sure they did it right.  It was the last thing I could do for him.  I really felt like that moment was the start of my healing.
I don't know what God is going to do with this but I know it is going to be something big.  I am already changed and continue to change on a daily basis.  I am being molded into what He wants me to be.  Yes, it hurts, but I cling to God and cry out to Him and I know that I am not alone.