Guilt, stress and hurt

While the vacuum cleaner graced our front lawn, I cried on my bed.  I never know from one day to the next how I'm going to be feeling and today was not a good day.  I have been avoiding this blog for about a week now.  I feel like it should be about Nathan and nothing else.  But...this is my recovery...my personal story...my life.  And today, on my bed, the results of my neglect came out in full force.  My story is not like any other story.  Even someone who has lost a baby boy to stillbirth at 21 weeks due to unknown causes.  We all grieve differently and we all have different things to deal with while grieving.
We lost Nathan in August.  We got pregnant again in October.  I was publicly attacked in December.  We lost our church and friends in January.  My grandmother has been sick several times recently and is not expected to live much longer.  This is my reality.  This is my life.
I still have moments where I feel guilt for Nathan's death.  My tear-stained pillow is a testament to that today.  I know, deep down in my very soul that I did everything I could to ensure a healthy baby.  I took care of myself the best way I knew how.  But it wasn't good enough.  Not having a reason for his death is very hard.  I'd love to be able to point at something and say, "THAT is why he died.  We can prevent that from happening again."  It is not meant to be.  So I question everything I did.  I blame myself for my loss.  I cry out to God and ask him "Why?  Why did this happen to MY baby?  Did I cause this?  Was there something that could have been done differently to save him?"  I have no answers, only questions.
And in the midst of dealing with all of these questions and emotions I am forced to look for a new church and new friends.  I don't want to.  It's hard.  And with all that we have been through, Jim and I are having trouble trusting church people.  We keep waiting for the pastor at the church we are currently attending to change his mind and tell us not to come back like the last place.  We're not sure we want to get to know the people there.  What if they turn on us too?  What if all Christians act like the people at our former church?  What if I make a new best friend and she turns her back on me like the last one?  What if the deacon's wife de-friends me on facebook the second there's a hint of trouble yet still wants to publicly follow my life on my blog?  It's awkward and it hurts.  I sometimes think it would be better if I never saw any of them again.  I don't need to talk to them, hear about their lives, get e-mails from them, see them following my blog.  They abandoned me when I needed them most.  What right do they have to my life?  But, I'd like to think that if they are still wanting to see a little glimpse into my life, if they still want to talk with me, maybe, just maybe, someday they will see the wrongness of the situation.  I still hold out hope that this is true.
So today I cry in my pillow for the son I lost, the church I lost, and the friends I lost.  And tomorrow I go to my new church and hope and pray that things will be different, better, from here on out.

The Vacuum Cleaner Got What It Deserved

Today was not a good day.  I decided that since my back has finally started feeling better I would get some cleaning done.  I HATE having things stick to the bottom of my feet so...I decided to vacuum.  Everything was okay on the carpets.  This vacuum does a beautiful job on carpets.  Hard floors...not so much.  Anything bigger than a speck of dust gets spat back at my feet while I am trying to vacuum.  Eventually, after running over the same room 5-10 times, it gets clean.  Usually.  Today, this was not meant to be.  The vacuum cleaner was the victim of my hormones and stress.  After yelling at it, which, by the way, does not make it work right, I unplugged it, carried it out the front door and tossed it on the lawn.  It would still be there except for the fact that my husband decided to keep it in the attic where the only floor that needs to be vacuumed is carpeted.  The vacuum cleaner was rescued, grass was picked out of it, and it is now residing in the storage area of our attic.  And I think it got exactly what it deserved.