Due Date

Yesterday was Nathan's due date.  In some ways this day was easier to get through than Christmas Eve.  You see, we had our Christmas a day early because of travel plans.  I had had so many people tell me that Nathan was my Christmas present that it was very hard to go through it without him.  I tried very hard to keep it from my family so that I wouldn't ruin Christmas and apparently I did a good job.  My husband didn't even know I was upset that day.  Fast-forward to yesterday.  I started off my day crying in the shower.  I was remembering how Nathan's delivery had gone and comparing it to how it should have been and I lost it.  I still want my baby HERE.  I'm still not sure why God has him now and I don't.  It's something I'm sure I won't know the answer to until I get to heaven and see Nathan there.  I am grateful to God that he allowed us to get pregnant again so quickly.  I am grateful that I was pregnant through Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Every time I have started to get down thinking about Nathan I remember the baby I am carrying and I am brought back out of my depression.  This baby is in no way a replacement for Nathan but that doesn't mean he or she shouldn't make me happy.  I need to remind myself of this daily.  I am not being disloyal to my son in looking forward to meeting his baby brother or sister.  This baby deserves to be celebrated, too, but there will always be a special place in my heart for my precious baby boy.

All is Well.

I spent most of the day in a panic waiting for our doctor's appointment this afternoon.  The last time we had an ultrasound it wasn't exactly good news.  It turns out that there was no need to worry.  We have one wiggly baby with a strong heartbeat who is measuring right on target.   I'm sure I can ride on this for a good day or so before I start worrying again. ( Can I use the doppler yet?!?!?)  I showed the kids the pictures and explained what we saw at the ultrasound.  Jack asked me if seeing the heartbeat meant that this baby wasn't going to die.  I explained that the odds were good that this baby would make it but that was as far as I could go with that.  We got on the wrong end of the statistic last time and I am not at all comforted by the fact that there is little chance of it happening again.  But, there is no reason to panic a 9 year old boy so I just didn't go there.  I just now told my husband that God is doing a good job directing our lives.  With the exception of Nathan's death, everything has worked out in our favor eventually.  And I have to trust that Nathan's death did serve some purpose.  But the what-ifs start creeping in.  What if God thinks I can handle more loss?  What if this baby dies, too?  How much am I supposed to take before I break?  And then I just have to pray and ask God to help me trust Him more.  And He does.

Well, went to the nurse today.

In my ob's practice a newly pregnant woman is required to go see the nurse first no matter how recently she has gone or how many times she's been through this.  This is pregnancy #6 and I would have really liked to have skipped it this time around.  But, I got up an hour and a half before I normally do to drive in the snow to see the nurse.  Why, you ask, did I not call to reschedule?  Because I am worried enough about this whole pregnancy without delaying my first doctor's visit.  (6 more days!)  It never occurred to me that I might have a problem being at the same doctor's office where I found out Nathan had died.  I'm not sure why.  Looking back it seems obvious.  So, I am waiting in the hallway nearly hyperventilating while the computers are acting up and my appointment is delayed.  The nurse finally comes and gets me and, surprise, surprise, my blood pressure and heart rate are elevated.  This is going well so far.  After asking me 500 questions the nurse takes me to the lab.  I hate needles and did I mention I was already having trouble being there?  My blood is drawn and the technician tells me congratulations.  I bolted.  Congratulations seem very premature.  I still have almost 30 weeks to get through and there are no guarantees.  I wondered if it is obvious to people that I am nervous and not as excited as I should be.  If so, do they think something is wrong with me?  Oh, well, can't worry about that right now my car is covered in snow and I have no ice scraper.  I got in the car and put the defrost on full-blast.  No go.  I look around to see what I can use and my eyes fall on a phone book.  Well, I want to go home and there's nothing else so why not?  I get out of the car and scrape the back window with the phone book.  I climb back in and pray the whole way home that I do not wreck and harm this baby that I am carrying even though I'm not convinced I will get to meet this one, either.  Welcome to my world of contradictions.  Happy, sad.  Joyful, depressed.  Expectant, terrified.  Convinced, uncertain.  All I can do is lean on Jesus and hold on for the ride.

My Prayer

Lord, thank you for loving me no matter what.  Thank you for standing by me when others are not willing.  Thank you, Lord, for picking me up when others knock me down.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am, warts and all.  Thank you for being able to see my heart and know who I really am when others are unable or unwilling to do so.  Thank you for carrying me when I don't have the strength to make it through one more day.  Thank you for whispering the truth in my ear when I start to believe the false things said about me and to me.  Thank you for being patient with me and for being willing to give me the time I need to work through things.  Thank you for always speaking the truth to me in love and with compassion.  Thank you for making Your presence known to me in a very real manner.  Thank you, Lord, for reminding me who I can trust and that I am not alone.   Thank you for providing true friends who will comfort me and give me a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for protecting the baby from the stress I am under.  Thank you for the baby.  But most of all, thank you for dying on the cross for me.  I don't deserve it but you did it anyway.  That is pure and true love.  I want to love you like that in return.

I am tired.

Tired of dealing with well-meaning people who say stupid things.  Tired of dealing with the everyday problems that come up.  Tired of dealing with people who don't seem to understand that I lost a BABY.  People who would tell you that they are pro-life.  People who say that life begins at conception.  But who somehow feel like my loss was less because he died before he was born.  Here's a newsflash that they will never read because they don't care enough to actually read my blog and find out how I'm doing.  I LOST MY SON!  If you're having a hard time understanding that just imagine life without one of your children.  It's the same thing.  Your precious son or daughter gone.  There one day, gone the next.  Just spend a few minutes thinking about how you would feel.  Then you will begin to understand what I have been though. Maybe.  We named him.  We looked forward to raising him.  We talked about him with our children.  They were excited, too.  We saw him on the ultrasound.  I felt him moving inside me.  We wondered who he was going to look like, act like.  Who he was going to be.  It's all gone.  And our son is buried in the dirt with a pretty grave marker to show he is not forgotten.  I am not okay.  I will never be okay.  There will always be someone missing from this family.  A piece missing from my heart.  So, unless you take the time to really understand what I'm going through please refrain from commenting.  Asking me if we'll name our next son Nathan is insensitive, no matter how great an idea you think it is.  It shows a lack of understanding that we lost our SON.  A person.  Someone who was very much loved and cannot be replaced.  So please, for my sake and yours, don't talk about it unless you take the time to truly understand.  You're not helping.