A cold and rainy day

Dear Nathan,

The Walk to Remember is going on right now and we're not there.  We haven't forgotten you.  It's a cold and rainy day and we didn't want your baby brother out in that kind of weather.  Also, your sister has a sinus infection and needs to stay home and get better.  I hate to miss it. There will be no tulip planted in your memory this year.  Daddy asked me last night why I even wanted to go back this year.  I have thought about it and I think it's because life is going at a very fast clip right now and I wanted to stop and think about you for just a little while.  I can't even hear myself think most of the time.  But you are there, in the back of my mind all the time.  We all look at life through our own personal filters and you are a permanent part of mine.  I still see everything though the loss of you.  I guess that's why your baby brother is a tad bit spoiled.  We just now put him out of our bedroom and I panicked.  I know what losing a child feels like and I am scared to death that I will have to go through that again.  I felt better having him where I could hear him breathe.  I remember checking on your older siblings when they were sleeping just to make sure they were okay.  It's worse this time around.  The whole process of parenting is letting go and that is hard.  Henry needs to have space to grow and learn.  He can't do that if I smother him.  But, just for today, I will squeeze him a little tighter and remember you, my precious Nathan, whom I never got to see grow.  Goodbye, little one. 
                                                                                                Love you always,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Baby Dedication

Nathan, we had Henry's baby dedication today.  That's where we promise to teach him all about God and the church agrees to support us with that.  I got a little sad.  I realized that I cannot teach you anything.  You don't need me to teach you about God.  You already know way more than I do about Him.  I am sad you're not here for me to teach but I'm also jealous of you.  You already have all of the answers to the questions I want to ask God.  You know why God chose to let you die.  You have no doubts or fears.  Your every want and need is met before you even have to ask.  You get to feel God's presence all of the time.  You never feel alone.  You're never sad.  You never miss anyone.  I can't wait to get to Heaven.  It will be that much sweeter because I finally get to meet you for the first time.  I promise to raise your baby brother (and your other siblings) to know all that I can teach them about God so that they will choose to love God and come to meet you, too.  I still miss you every day, sweet baby boy.