What Nathan has taught me so far.

I want him back.  I miss him and I always will.  I refuse to let his death have no meaning.  I am constantly looking for clues as to what I am supposed to be learning though this experience.  So far the major lesson that I have learned is that I should never take my kids for granted.  They are here right now and I need to enjoy every minute of it.  You never know what will happen in the future.  I have also learned that God's plans for me are not necessarily going to be fun or what I want but He has a broader picture of my life and how I need to be.  Nathan's life and death are a big part of getting me there.  It's easy to trust God when everything is going well but a totally different thing altogether to trust Him when you are going through trials.  He didn't cause me to lose Nathan but He did allow it to happen.  I could have easily become bitter but I found myself leaning on Him even more.  Nathan has taught me to go to God first when I am hurting and confused and He will comfort me better than any human is capable of.  But....losing Nathan has shown me in a very real way that God can use people to be His arms and legs.  I have learned to not only accept help and comfort from people but to ask for it when I need it.  I have learned that life is messy.  I can't wish Nathan back without thinking about giving up Henry, too.  I can't do that.  I have to focus on the blessing God has given me in both Nathan and Henry.  Nathan's death made Henry's life possible.  That is the gift Nathan gave Henry.  And someday they will meet each other in Heaven.  Nathan is there now waiting on all of us to join him someday.  And I know he got the better end of this deal.

He's here!!!!!

After a three year journey to have baby #4, Henry arrived on Tuesday, July 12th.  He is perfect.  I forgot how quickly I fell in love with my other children.  It's happened again.  I am head over heels in love with this baby.  I am handling things better than I thought I would.  I thought I would have a really hard time with flashbacks to our experience with Nathan but they have been few so far.  I panicked in the hospital when Jim left to take care of an air conditioning problem at our house and I was alone with Henry.  I was terrified that something was wrong with Henry and he was going to die, too.  I even made the nurse come check his temperature to make sure he was okay.  And when I got home and went to take a shower I saw my flat(ter) stomach I remembered when I came home without Nathan.  I am trying really hard to focus on the gift God has given me and it has turned out to be easier than I thought.  I know we have a lot of hormonal days ahead and things could change but right now I am just enjoying my new little one.  And he is so easy to enjoy.  He even let me sleep for 4 hours straight last night.

Dear Henry...

Dear Sweet Henry,
We get to meet you in 4 days and we're so excited!  It's been a long, hard journey but we're finally at the end.  I just want to let you know that I might cry.  There will be happy tears for you a sad tears for your brother we never got to meet.  It will be bittersweet.  But we love you and we can't wait to hold you for the first time.  Your daddy has spent a good portion of the past few days smiling when he thinks of meeting you.  I keep tearing up because I can't believe it's actually happening.  We're going to meet you in 4 days!!!!  I hope you like being a part of our family.  The kids are so excited to meet you.  We will all do our best to keep you healthy and happy.  You're in good hands.  So come on out so we can all snuggle you and get to know you.  We're ready.  We have everything you'll need and we're all ready for your arrival.  Anytime is good but if you choose to wait, see you on Tuesday.  We love you, sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy