Christmas is Hard

Here I am, on Christmas, trying not to cry.  I rocked Henry and while I rocked him I thought, "I should have been doing this with Nathan last year."  People would ask me when my baby was due and I would say December 28th.  The response was always, "What a wonderful Christmas present."  And that is how I thought of him.  My very own living, breathing, Christmas present.  But he died and never even took a breath and I am left without him.  In some ways it is easier with Henry here and in others it makes it harder.  I can see exactly what I missed with Nathan.  Henry watched me open his Christmas presents and I laughed while he tossed every single one of them off the Bumbo tray to the floor.  I will never help Nathan open any gifts or watch him toss them with delight.  Henry was tired after all the commotion and I got to take him upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I will never take Nathan upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I struggle to be happy during Christmastime.  I make an effort for my kids.  But last year's Christmas present was taken from me and I can't help but be sad.  So I am down today when I should be happy.  I am struggling not to cry.  I miss my son so much it hurts.  And I'm not sure Christmas will ever be the same again.

The Duggars

I haven't watched their show or really followed a whole lot of the publicity on the Duggars but they got my attention last week.  I had heard that Michelle was pregnant with her 20th baby and I thought she was crazy with what had happened last time.  I feel she was risking her life getting pregnant again but I am not her doctor nor am I her.  It was her decision.  When I heard about her miscarriage last week I felt so bad for her.  She was just a little less far along than I was when we lost Nathan.  It is hard.  It doesn't matter whether it's your first baby or your 20th, losing a baby stinks.  I have watched, horrified, as people have commented on her situation.  There are so many people who have written in on news articles stating that this was God's way of telling her she is done having children.  That she should take the hint and quit.  That she is somehow responsible for this outcome because of her age/family size/beliefs.  I hope she never reads them.  It's hard enough grieving without being in the public eye.  I cannot imagine grieving in front of millions of people.  People who see fit to judge you for your decisions.  I was guilty of it when I heard about her pregnancy and I am sorry for it.  It is not my place to judge her and her decisions. 
Now, pictures of little Jubilee's precious hands and feet have been spread all over the web.  The Duggars are being judged for that as well.  People are calling the pictures "controversial." Why?  They are sweet pictures of a life lost.  I found myself comparing Jubilee's hands and feet to Nathan's.  His fingers were longer, but then again, all of our babies had long fingers.  Her feet looked very much like Nathan's feet did.  I saw the pictures and I cried.  I hurt for the Duggars and what they are going through right now.  And I still hurt for my little family.  In a lot of ways we have moved on but there are moments here and there to remind us of what we are missing.  I still look at Henry and wonder if Nathan's smile would have looked like his. (He has a great smile.)  I see babies born last December and wonder if Nathan would have been doing all of the same things.   Nathan's due date is fast approaching and that familiar longing is still there.  I continue to mourn for my sweet Nathan and my prayers are with the Duggar family as they process this loss and try to deal with the reality of life after losing a child. 

A cold and rainy day

Dear Nathan,

The Walk to Remember is going on right now and we're not there.  We haven't forgotten you.  It's a cold and rainy day and we didn't want your baby brother out in that kind of weather.  Also, your sister has a sinus infection and needs to stay home and get better.  I hate to miss it. There will be no tulip planted in your memory this year.  Daddy asked me last night why I even wanted to go back this year.  I have thought about it and I think it's because life is going at a very fast clip right now and I wanted to stop and think about you for just a little while.  I can't even hear myself think most of the time.  But you are there, in the back of my mind all the time.  We all look at life through our own personal filters and you are a permanent part of mine.  I still see everything though the loss of you.  I guess that's why your baby brother is a tad bit spoiled.  We just now put him out of our bedroom and I panicked.  I know what losing a child feels like and I am scared to death that I will have to go through that again.  I felt better having him where I could hear him breathe.  I remember checking on your older siblings when they were sleeping just to make sure they were okay.  It's worse this time around.  The whole process of parenting is letting go and that is hard.  Henry needs to have space to grow and learn.  He can't do that if I smother him.  But, just for today, I will squeeze him a little tighter and remember you, my precious Nathan, whom I never got to see grow.  Goodbye, little one. 
                                                                                                Love you always,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Baby Dedication

Nathan, we had Henry's baby dedication today.  That's where we promise to teach him all about God and the church agrees to support us with that.  I got a little sad.  I realized that I cannot teach you anything.  You don't need me to teach you about God.  You already know way more than I do about Him.  I am sad you're not here for me to teach but I'm also jealous of you.  You already have all of the answers to the questions I want to ask God.  You know why God chose to let you die.  You have no doubts or fears.  Your every want and need is met before you even have to ask.  You get to feel God's presence all of the time.  You never feel alone.  You're never sad.  You never miss anyone.  I can't wait to get to Heaven.  It will be that much sweeter because I finally get to meet you for the first time.  I promise to raise your baby brother (and your other siblings) to know all that I can teach them about God so that they will choose to love God and come to meet you, too.  I still miss you every day, sweet baby boy.

Happy Birthday, Nathan.

One year ago today I gave birth to my sweet Nathan.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We have come a long way in a year but it's still hard.  Having Henry here helps in a way but he's also a very real reminder of what we lost.  I can't help but look at him and wonder if Nathan would have had the same long fingers and big feet.  What would he have looked like if he had been allowed to develop fully.  Would he like the 1812 Overture like Henry does?  Would he love to be talked to like Henry?  Would he have slept as well?  Would he have smiled so early?  We'll never know what he would have been like and that is hard.  I don't know my own son.  I missed out on learning about him and seeing his personality develop.  I missed his first smile and his first laugh.  I missed comforting him when he cried and singing him to sleep.  I won't ever see him grow up.  He'll never run or ride a bike.  He won't grow up and get married and have kids of his own.  Today we remember what little time we had with him and cry over what we have missed.  There will be no first birthday party; only a small trip to the cemetery to visit his grave.  I hope God is throwing him a big party up there in Heaven.  Someday we will get to celebrate with him but until then we will try to move on and live lives that will make Nathan proud to call us family.

Welcome Home Nathan

That's what the sign says at a local church.  We were heading out to lunch and laughing.  The laughter stopped when we saw that sign.  My husband said it was a landmine and he is right.  They are everywhere; these little reminders ready to punch us in the gut and remind us of our loss.  My mom has referred to Henry as Nathan twice and I have done the same thing.  It's not like when I have to run through all of the kids' names before I get the right one.  When I make the mistake of calling a living child by the dead child's name it's another punch in the gut.  Does this get easier?  Is there some day when hearing or seeing the name Nathan won't make me flinch?  Is there a day coming when seeing a sign welcoming Nathan home won't make me cry?  My husband told me that the sign is true.  That Nathan is home.  And that he is waiting for us and someday we could go home, too.  I know that's true but it still feels like a member of our family is missing.  It still hurts that he is gone.  And it's hard going through my day not knowing what will trigger sadness and tears.  When I saw that sign I stopped and prayed for God to take good care of our son and I know he is.

What Nathan has taught me so far.

I want him back.  I miss him and I always will.  I refuse to let his death have no meaning.  I am constantly looking for clues as to what I am supposed to be learning though this experience.  So far the major lesson that I have learned is that I should never take my kids for granted.  They are here right now and I need to enjoy every minute of it.  You never know what will happen in the future.  I have also learned that God's plans for me are not necessarily going to be fun or what I want but He has a broader picture of my life and how I need to be.  Nathan's life and death are a big part of getting me there.  It's easy to trust God when everything is going well but a totally different thing altogether to trust Him when you are going through trials.  He didn't cause me to lose Nathan but He did allow it to happen.  I could have easily become bitter but I found myself leaning on Him even more.  Nathan has taught me to go to God first when I am hurting and confused and He will comfort me better than any human is capable of.  But....losing Nathan has shown me in a very real way that God can use people to be His arms and legs.  I have learned to not only accept help and comfort from people but to ask for it when I need it.  I have learned that life is messy.  I can't wish Nathan back without thinking about giving up Henry, too.  I can't do that.  I have to focus on the blessing God has given me in both Nathan and Henry.  Nathan's death made Henry's life possible.  That is the gift Nathan gave Henry.  And someday they will meet each other in Heaven.  Nathan is there now waiting on all of us to join him someday.  And I know he got the better end of this deal.

He's here!!!!!

After a three year journey to have baby #4, Henry arrived on Tuesday, July 12th.  He is perfect.  I forgot how quickly I fell in love with my other children.  It's happened again.  I am head over heels in love with this baby.  I am handling things better than I thought I would.  I thought I would have a really hard time with flashbacks to our experience with Nathan but they have been few so far.  I panicked in the hospital when Jim left to take care of an air conditioning problem at our house and I was alone with Henry.  I was terrified that something was wrong with Henry and he was going to die, too.  I even made the nurse come check his temperature to make sure he was okay.  And when I got home and went to take a shower I saw my flat(ter) stomach I remembered when I came home without Nathan.  I am trying really hard to focus on the gift God has given me and it has turned out to be easier than I thought.  I know we have a lot of hormonal days ahead and things could change but right now I am just enjoying my new little one.  And he is so easy to enjoy.  He even let me sleep for 4 hours straight last night.

Dear Henry...

Dear Sweet Henry,
We get to meet you in 4 days and we're so excited!  It's been a long, hard journey but we're finally at the end.  I just want to let you know that I might cry.  There will be happy tears for you a sad tears for your brother we never got to meet.  It will be bittersweet.  But we love you and we can't wait to hold you for the first time.  Your daddy has spent a good portion of the past few days smiling when he thinks of meeting you.  I keep tearing up because I can't believe it's actually happening.  We're going to meet you in 4 days!!!!  I hope you like being a part of our family.  The kids are so excited to meet you.  We will all do our best to keep you healthy and happy.  You're in good hands.  So come on out so we can all snuggle you and get to know you.  We're ready.  We have everything you'll need and we're all ready for your arrival.  Anytime is good but if you choose to wait, see you on Tuesday.  We love you, sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

I can't complain.

No, really, I can't.  I don't know if it's just me doing the judging but I kind of assume others are, too.  I know my thoughts.  I'm hot, tired, fat, sore, sleepy and it hurts to walk.  The second I think any of these things or actually have the nerve to say them the internal dialogue starts.  "Why are you complaining?  At least Henry's alive."  "Well, he's alive for now."  I can't stand the thought of going through all of this and having to lose another baby but the thought is there all the same. 
It applies to other people's complaints as well.  "My child is driving me crazy."  "Well, at least you have your child."  "I'm not getting enough sleep."  "Well, at least you didn't lose your baby."  It's not fair to others but the thought is there.  I'm getting better, though.  I am able to have sympathy for peoples' plights now.  When we first lost Nathan I just wanted people to stop complaining.  There is nothing else worth complaining about when you have lost a child.  But....I'm human and they're human and humans complain.  It's one of the ways we try to connect with other people.  We tell people our problems hoping that they have been there or they will understand.  We want to be understood and accepted.  I write this blog in the hopes that the readers will gain some insight into what losing a child feels like.  I write in the hopes that it will help them sympathize with someone going through the loss of a child.  I write because I'm human and I have a need to be understood.  But I will continue to fight for every bit of joy Henry is trying to give me.  And I will try my best to keep things in perspective and not complain.  I am truly lucky that Henry is alive and I will hang on to that as much as I can.  Every ache, pain, and tear is worth it to get to hold my baby boy in my arms and hear his first cry.

Some shows should come with warning labels.

I am about to make a confession.  I'm not really a fan of most shows aimed at women.  Give me a good episode of Criminal Minds any day.  But....I do watch one show that my husband doesn't even want to be in the room for.  It's Hawthorne on TNT.  Jim was off at the movies spending 4 hours watching the director's cut of the second Lord of the Rings movie last night so I decided to watch the season premiere of Hawthorne.  I read the description first.  A nice, pleasant description of Hawthorne having her wedding day.  If you watch this show and haven't seen the premiere yet, stop reading.  So, I'm watching, she's getting married and then she's back at the hospital(she's a nurse.)  So far so good.  She's walking to her car talking to her new husband on the phone when she is attacked.  Did I mention she's 20 weeks pregnant?  And that the guy kicked her several times in the stomach?  I know I should turn it off then, but there's still hope that everything is going to turn out okay so I keep watching.  Bad idea.  I probably should avoid ever watching this show again after how things went.
She's in the hospital in ICU fighting for her baby to live and a former co-worker comes in to deliver her own baby.  Fast forward a little bit and we have this woman delivering her baby in one room while across the hall Hawthorne has to deliver her dead baby.  I am standing in that hallway.  I have had to deliver Nathan knowing he would not go home with me, would never take a breath or smile.  And now I'm looking forward toward delivering a healthy full term baby.  I got a glimpse of how emotional that is going to be when I watched this show.  I cried.  I cried for the joy I know I will have when Henry gets here and I cried for the loss of Nathan and the pain of losing him.  I have been standing in that hallway since October of last year when we got pregnant with Henry.  I am standing there still.  And I am so eager to move into that room where I get to walk out with my precious newborn baby.  This goes to show that God can use anything to speak to us, even a sappy t.v. show.

Some things need to be done alone.

Jim picked up the box for Nathan's things today.  I knew that this would not be an easy day for me.  I felt like I needed to look at every single thing again before I put them in the box.  I cried my way through it.  My son asked me if he could come and help and I had to tell him no.  It was just something I needed to do on my own.  I cried through each picture, card, blanket...it was like I was saying goodbye all over again.  I sat there sobbing and hugging my belly.  Those pesky contradicting emotions were there again.  I ached for Nathan while, at the same time, looked forward to meeting Henry in less than a month. 
The last thing I put in the box was an empty ring box.  I haven't mentioned this here before but I have a simple, small white gold band for each of my children.  I had their names and birth dates engraved on the inside of each ring.  I wear Jack, Anna, and Katherine's rings on a chain around my neck.  We had one made a few days after Nathan was born and it has been on the ring finger of my right hand ever since.  I really felt like it might be time to take it off and put it in with the other things in the box.  I tried, I really did, but it felt like I was ripping my heart out when I took that ring off.  I couldn't do it.  So the ring sits on my finger as a visual reminder of what I have lost.  And the box sits in the family room as a visual reminder to all that there is someone still missing from this family.

Can't sleep.

It seems that as we get closer and closer to Henry's birth I find myself more and more back in the delivery room with Nathan.  My arms still ache to hold him.  I miss my little boy so much.  We only had a few hours with him before they took him away for pictures.  I knew that I couldn't take him back after that or I would never let him go.  It is so hard to say goodbye.  I'm still not sure I can do it.  There is a part of me that clings to Nathan and just can't let him go.  He is my son, whether or not I got to raise him.  There is a sadness in me that I know will never fully go away.  I don't know why we lost him and I won't ever know and that is hard to live with.  I have talked with my grandmother, who lost three babies.  One to stillbirth, one to miscarriage, and one that was born alive, just too early.  She still lives with the pain and that was at least 50 years ago.  I sometimes wish that God didn't think I was strong enough to handle this.  I look forward to years of missing my son and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on.  It hurts too much.  But...then one of my kids will do something silly or Henry will wake up and wiggle all over and I have joy.  I am trying to move forward while still missing the son I have to leave in the past.  I don't know how I've made it this far and I don't know how I'll make it from now on.  I guess I just lean on God and trust that he will help me through.

I miss my friend.

I was sorting through my address book making sure I had all my ducks in a row for the birth announcements when I realized how much has changed.  I had trouble wrapping my brain around all of the people in my address book that I have no contact with anymore.  It makes me sad.  When you lose your church, you lose almost everyone you thought you could count on.  Some hurt more than others.  Like my former best friend.  I understand that it is difficult to believe that your pastor is not doing what he should be but three years of a close friendship should have been enough to make her aware that I would never make this stuff up.  I just pulled addresses from our former church directory.  I was using it to get the addresses of everyone who has left.  From that directory alone there are 12 families who were pushed out of the church.  There are more.  20 total to be exact.  The one thing that all of these people had in common was getting on the pastor's bad side.  From there, they either went quietly or stubbornly held on the the belief that things could be made right. (We are in the second category.)  Things went okay for the ones who just left.  The ones who tried to make things right first, well, things didn't go so well for them.  Several of us have been insulted and falsely accused.  We have had our former pastor talk to other pastors, encouraging them to refuse us and make us come back to his church.  Yet...my former best friend still stands by him.  Even with all of her concerns and questions about the leadership that she has had in the past.  People have been kicked out since we left.  I'm not sure what the spin is on that but I don't understand how someone could be so blind.  These people aren't leaving because they are moving, although some moved to get away from our former pastor.  They are leaving because the pastor doesn't like them and he is willing to lie to get them out.  How do you compete with such a smooth-talking "wolf in sheep's clothing?"  So I sit here, mourning the loss of my friend and hoping that she will one day see the true character of the man who is leading that church.  I want that friendship back, but not if it means she believes what my former pastor says about me.  That's not much of a friendship at all.  So I wait and I pray and I hope that someday soon I can share the joy of that friendship again.

6 more weeks!

When I went to the doctor last week she set up an induction for the 12th of July.  We have, at the most, 6 more weeks to go before we meet this little guy.  I'm really excited to meet him but nervous because that's 6 more weeks I have to keep him alive in there.  Everything is colored by our experience with Nathan.  I see everything through that filter.  I have suspected for a while that the staff at the doctor's office is informed about what happened with Nathan before they deal with me.   Today, at our non-stress test, this was confirmed.  I appreciate this as there is an extra sensitivity there that wouldn't be there without that knowledge.  So, from here on out, I am at the doctor's for a non-stress test twice a week, a doctor's visit once and week, and a biophysical profile every three weeks.  My doctor is being very careful to monitor both me and Henry very closely and I appreciate every visit.  Every test he passes is a weight off of me.  Today he needed a little bit of encouragement to pass his non-stress test.  The nurse used something called an activator to wake him up since he was having a nice little snooze.  This device was placed next to Henry's head and produced a loud buzz and a vibration.  He spent the next ten minutes letting us know how much he disliked his treatment.  (I think he might have a wee bit of his mommy's temper.)  I can't wait to meet him, but in the meantime all of this monitoring is very reassuring for me.

Baby Shower

God is taking care of me through everything.  I struggle so much with celebrating Henry because the loss of Nathan is still so fresh.  When we had to leave our previous church I was sad because I didn't think I would get a baby shower.  It's not about the stuff.  We can afford to get everything Henry needs.  It's about celebrating him with people who care about Henry and me.  I wanted the party.  Well, some of my friends, behind my back, have been planning a shower for quite a while.  I just found out about it a few days ago.  I am overwhelmed by their generosity and love.  And, I can't wait to celebrate Henry with them.  These friends have been there for me through this entire ugly year.  I can't think of anyone else I would rather celebrate with than them.  Thanks, guys, you know who you are.

As we get closer

As we get closer to the birth of Henry I am struggling.  I am so excited to meet him face to face yet....what if?  What if he doesn't make it?  What if he is stillborn like Nathan?  What if he dies in his sleep after we take him home?  These fears and the approaching birthday for Henry have brought flashbacks to our experience with Nathan.  Memories are flooding back and I find myself depressed and crying.  The other night I was trying to get to sleep and I kept remembering being in the hospital after we had Nathan.  We had several hours with him and that was it.  No more time to hold him.  I had to hand him over to the nurse knowing that I would never see him again.  I hope and I pray that we will have years and years with Henry but I'm scared that it won't happen.  No one knows what happened with Nathan and I worry that the same thing could happen with Henry.  My husband said he feels like all of the tests they are running on Henry are excessive.  I do not.  Every single one of them is reassurance that he is doing great.  He's big and strong and is passing all tests with flying colors.  We praise God for that.  And we look forward to meeting our little boy face to face.

Someone is missing.

I got up this morning and was attacked by happy children eager to wish me a happy Mother's Day.  I was showered in cards, some of their making and some they bought in the store.  There were hugs and kisses all around.  I am so blessed. 
The kids ran off to play and I was left on the couch with my thoughts.  Someone is missing.  There should be four kids here right now.  Instead, I have one child cold and buried underground.  He will never make me a Mother's Day card or give me kisses and hugs.  He will never run off to play with his brother and sisters.  I will not get to watch him grow up, get married, have kids of his own.  I am missing him a lot today.  I still don't understand why he had to go to heaven before we even got a chance to get to know him.  I want him back.  Everyone sees my three children and my pregnant belly and they smile.  I want to scream that there is one more; that I am missing my precious little boy.  They look at me and see a happy mother of three and one on the way while in reality I am torn up inside.  There will always be someone missing.  That is something I have to live with every day of my life.   That is my reality. 

The Room.

We went back to the doctor's office today for another try at the 3D ultrasound.  Henry hadn't cooperated very well two days ago.  As we walked down the hallway I realized that we were being led to the same room where we had been told Nathan was gone.  I stopped in the hallway and told my husband I wasn't sure I could go in there.  Then I took a deep breath and entered the room.  As soon as I sat down on the table I started to cry.  I could remember sitting there when the technician told us she had to go get the doctor.  I remembered sitting there while my doctor explained to us that Nathan's heart had stopped beating.  I remembered being half-carried out of the room by my husband and my doctor.  I guess God thought I was ready for all of that emotion.  It's one more step in the healing process and it hurts.  But, each new thing I think might break me only seems to show me how strong I am.  It is true that with God's strength I can do anything.  Even return to the room where I was told the worst news of my life.

The home stretch!

Here's Henry!  We got to see him yesterday during our 3D ultrasound.    Seeing his little face on that screen just made me want to hold him more.  We saw him make all sorts of faces and I can't wait to see them after he's out.  I was hoping that we would see him have the hiccups during the ultrasound.  He gets them 3 or 4 times every day and I was curious to see what it looked like.  Sure enough, he got them while we were watching.  The poor thing's whole body jerks and his mouth is forced closed with every hiccup.  No wonder he gets so upset!

My mother pointed out to me the other day that I have been pregnant 10 out of the past 12 months.  No wonder this feels like the longest pregnancy in history.  I'm still not entirely convinced Henry will be okay and I worry when he doesn't move a lot.  Just now I was noticing he hadn't moved in a while.  And then he kicked me.  God's not giving me much of a chance to obsess about it.  Usually when I notice Henry hasn't moved, it only takes a few minutes before he's up and going again.  My innocence about pregnancy was shattered when Nathan died inside me.  Wasn't that supposed to be a safe place for him?  Doesn't it work out that if you get into the second trimester you're home free?  We're told that if you see the heartbeat the chance of losing the baby is small.  Why would anyone think they would be on the wrong end of the statistic?  But, once it happens to you everything is looked at through that loss.  It does put some things in perspective.  After the loss of Nathan, the loss of my church and almost my entire friend base didn't destroy me.  I knew there were worse things that could happen.  Sure, it wasn't easy, but I think I would have handled things quite differently if I had not already lost my son.  I have relaxed with our children.  Some things that seemed like a big deal before don't seem like that at all now.  And I trust God more than ever.  I don't understand why Nathan died but I do know that God has never left my side through this past year of trials and tribulations.  My faith is strong, Henry is strong, and we are moving forward toward whatever God has planned for us.  Hopefully soon that will involve raising Henry to love God as much as we do.

Guilt, stress and hurt

While the vacuum cleaner graced our front lawn, I cried on my bed.  I never know from one day to the next how I'm going to be feeling and today was not a good day.  I have been avoiding this blog for about a week now.  I feel like it should be about Nathan and nothing else.  But...this is my recovery...my personal story...my life.  And today, on my bed, the results of my neglect came out in full force.  My story is not like any other story.  Even someone who has lost a baby boy to stillbirth at 21 weeks due to unknown causes.  We all grieve differently and we all have different things to deal with while grieving.
We lost Nathan in August.  We got pregnant again in October.  I was publicly attacked in December.  We lost our church and friends in January.  My grandmother has been sick several times recently and is not expected to live much longer.  This is my reality.  This is my life.
I still have moments where I feel guilt for Nathan's death.  My tear-stained pillow is a testament to that today.  I know, deep down in my very soul that I did everything I could to ensure a healthy baby.  I took care of myself the best way I knew how.  But it wasn't good enough.  Not having a reason for his death is very hard.  I'd love to be able to point at something and say, "THAT is why he died.  We can prevent that from happening again."  It is not meant to be.  So I question everything I did.  I blame myself for my loss.  I cry out to God and ask him "Why?  Why did this happen to MY baby?  Did I cause this?  Was there something that could have been done differently to save him?"  I have no answers, only questions.
And in the midst of dealing with all of these questions and emotions I am forced to look for a new church and new friends.  I don't want to.  It's hard.  And with all that we have been through, Jim and I are having trouble trusting church people.  We keep waiting for the pastor at the church we are currently attending to change his mind and tell us not to come back like the last place.  We're not sure we want to get to know the people there.  What if they turn on us too?  What if all Christians act like the people at our former church?  What if I make a new best friend and she turns her back on me like the last one?  What if the deacon's wife de-friends me on facebook the second there's a hint of trouble yet still wants to publicly follow my life on my blog?  It's awkward and it hurts.  I sometimes think it would be better if I never saw any of them again.  I don't need to talk to them, hear about their lives, get e-mails from them, see them following my blog.  They abandoned me when I needed them most.  What right do they have to my life?  But, I'd like to think that if they are still wanting to see a little glimpse into my life, if they still want to talk with me, maybe, just maybe, someday they will see the wrongness of the situation.  I still hold out hope that this is true.
So today I cry in my pillow for the son I lost, the church I lost, and the friends I lost.  And tomorrow I go to my new church and hope and pray that things will be different, better, from here on out.

The Vacuum Cleaner Got What It Deserved

Today was not a good day.  I decided that since my back has finally started feeling better I would get some cleaning done.  I HATE having things stick to the bottom of my feet so...I decided to vacuum.  Everything was okay on the carpets.  This vacuum does a beautiful job on carpets.  Hard floors...not so much.  Anything bigger than a speck of dust gets spat back at my feet while I am trying to vacuum.  Eventually, after running over the same room 5-10 times, it gets clean.  Usually.  Today, this was not meant to be.  The vacuum cleaner was the victim of my hormones and stress.  After yelling at it, which, by the way, does not make it work right, I unplugged it, carried it out the front door and tossed it on the lawn.  It would still be there except for the fact that my husband decided to keep it in the attic where the only floor that needs to be vacuumed is carpeted.  The vacuum cleaner was rescued, grass was picked out of it, and it is now residing in the storage area of our attic.  And I think it got exactly what it deserved.

He doesn't need me.

After learning about a friend's recent loss I have been appreciating my children more.  Last night I wanted to do something for them.  Jack got a light bulb for his sea creature (I am still upset by the fact that he is now on a bunk bed and I can't kiss him or even really see him when I check on him at night.)  I tucked both of the girls in and kissed them while they slept.  I told Jim this when I got into bed and then said that I did nothing for Nathan.  He told me that Nathan really didn't need anything from us.  I started crying and I am tearing up typing this.  It's just wrong that a baby doesn't need his mother.  I should be feeding him, changing his diapers, comforting him when he cries.  He doesn't need me to do any of those things.  But I want to so badly.  I want to kiss his soft little fuzzy baby head and rock him to sleep but I will never get that chance.  I miss him so much.  And no, right now it doesn't help to know he is in Heaven and isn't suffering.  Why does God need him there?  Why couldn't we raise him and watch him start a life of his own?  What purpose does his death serve?  I still worship God and I still trust Him but I have more questions for Him now than I have ever had before.  And it stinks that I won't know the answers until I get to Heaven.  I guess that's what faith is about.  Trusting Him even when life makes no sense at all.

I'm torn.

If I could just get a handle on my emotions for one day that would be wonderful.  Henry made it past the 21 week mark and I am so happy that he is healthy and growing.  I have 16 weeks before he gets here and a lot to do.  The doubt starts creeping into my head, though, and I start to wonder, "why bother, you won't get to keep this one, either."  I have no reason to think anything will go wrong.  He seems fine, he moves a lot (so much that he is already waking me up in the middle of the night.)  I feel like everything will be okay.  But....we did lose Nathan and I know that nothing is guaranteed.  So I cried for a little bit over the loss of Nathan and then I got up, got online, and ordered some things for Henry.  He deserves for us to be ready for him with everything he is going to need.  It's not looking good for a baby shower and we got rid of almost everything after Katherine so we have a lot to get.  Then there is getting the house ready and having meals ready in the freezer.  And figuring out who will watch the kids and who we need to call about Henry's birth.  And planning the next year of homeschooling because there is no way I'll have time to plan that after Henry gets here.  There is so much to do.  And soon I'll be spending a lot of time in the doctor's office.  The endocrinologist wants to see me once a month from here on out.  The doctor will be seeing me every other week after the next appointment.  I will start coming in every other week and then every week for a non-stress test and a biophysical profile.  Home, I will miss you.  And, Henry, we will do everything we need to do to get ready for your much anticipated and much longed for arrival.  I can't wait to meet you.

If it's not one thing.....

We had our 21 week ultrasound on Monday morning.  Everything looks great!  I was nervous about being sent to the same room where we were told that Nathan died but they didn't even send me down the same hallway.  God is up there pulling some strings to make everything a little easier on us.  I feel like we have made it across a gigantic hurdle.  Henry already weighs a good bit more than Nathan did and he's looking strong and healthy.  We are praising God for the good report. 
Now....on to the trouble.  We received a bill from the hospital for Henry's birth.  That's right.  Henry's.  Apparently they have calculated that I will owe them $1414.07 in costs for the delivery.  They know my out-of-pocket maximum is $1000 and that I have already paid some of that but they still want $1414.07 before I even set foot in the hospital.  I don't really feel like loaning the hospital almost $1500.  I am waiting on a call back from the lady in charge of this.  I think it's ridiculous to charge for something that hasn't even happened yet.  They can't even be guaranteed that I will deliver there.  Any number of things could go differently than planned.  But, they want their money before they do anything.  Not if I can help it.

I'm sad today.

I am 21 weeks with Henry today.  By this time, on this day Nathan's pregnancy, we knew he was gone.  I miss him.  Even with Henry obediently punching, kicking and wiggling away.  I am torn.  I love both of them and I wouldn't have Henry if Nathan had made it.  So here I sit, missing one and longing for what might have been while celebrating that the baby I am carrying is alive and well.  This pregnancy is full of conflicting emotions.  I feel excited to meet Henry and then feel guilty because I don't think I'm honoring Nathan.  I look forward to Henry's birth and look back on Nathan's with a sadness and longing I have never experienced before.  I ache to hold both my sons in my arms and know that I will only ever get to hold Henry.  My time with Nathan is done until I see him again in Heaven and I long to be there with him but I have 3 kids here and one on the way and I am needed here.  What is seeing Henry going to be like?  I am I going to be able to focus on him being his own person or will I constantly be reminded of what might have been with Nathan?  Will every smile and sigh remind me of how Nathan will never be?  This is so hard.  I sit here crying for the child I miss while feeling the child I am carrying move inside me.
Lord, give me the strength to make it through the day.  I miss my little boy.  Help me to be content knowing he is with You and no harm will ever come to him.  Help me hold on until I can be with him in Heaven some day.  Wrap your arms around me and hold me up because I don't think I can hold myself up right now.  I feel so weak.  Help me to be strong.

Poor Henry

I am such a super-paranoid mommy right now.  Our 21 week ultrasound is on Monday and I can't help but worry.  The poor little baby keeps getting jiggled and poked.  I just need to know he's still okay in there.  If I haven't felt him move in, say, 30 minutes, I have to do something to make him move.  If that doesn't work, it's off to use the doppler.  My middle child pointed out the other day that there are 4 more months until Henry is born.  I hope I make it.  And I hope that I don't scar Henry for life with all of that poking and jiggling.

Registering for Baby

Last night my husband and I registered for our new baby boy.  It needed to be done.  We have next to nothing from our previous children because we were so sure we were done.  I think God is still laughing over that one.  Every item scanned came with a silent question:  Will our precious baby boy ever need this?  Will we get to raise this baby or will God see fit to have him live in Heaven with Nathan?  I pray with all my heart that the answer is yes, we get to raise him. 
When I registered for Nathan, my best friend went with me and it was a time of laughter and celebration.  One of the hardest parts of this church mess we are going through is the loss of that friend.  She chose to believe the pastor over me.  I don't fault her.  9 months ago I made the same decision when a good friend of mine was forced out of the church.  I didn't want to hear it, I just wanted her to stop talking about it.  I have since reconnected with that friend and I know that someday I will get my best friend back.  In the meantime, it is hard.  I wanted to call her when we had the ultrasound and we found out the baby is a boy.  I was sad that I no longer felt like I could do that.  I wanted her to come with me to register for this baby but that was no longer an option.  I miss seeing her at church, talking with her over the phone, going out for a meal with her, communicating with her on facebook....  It's like another death to grieve.  Just one more thing in a long list of crappy things that have happened lately. 
I feel the need to repeat something I have said before:  I know God knows what He is doing, I just wish He would let me see just a little of where I am going.  I pray that it is going toward another child to raise, new friendships to form, and a wonderful new church for us to be a part of. 

Excitement and Trepidation

We went in for our 18 week ultrasound this morning.  I had this fear that the technician would look and the baby would be dead.  Whew!  Baby was alive and kicking.  We got to see him (yes, that's right, him) drinking the amniotic fluid and practicing breathing.  Everything seems to be working properly.  I have spent the first half of this pregnancy thinking this baby was a girl.  I'm not sure how much was my opinion and how much was me trying to protect myself.  I have read a lot on stillbirth and I know that statistically it happens more with boys than girls.  I thought, "if this is a girl, she won't die on me."  So, I am excited that we will be adding a little boy to our family but I'm scared.  I'm sure that doppler will get a workout over the next few weeks.  I'm also worried that people will be more likely to look at this baby as a replacement for Nathan since it is another boy.  I don't think that would happen as much with a girl.  I don't feel like dealing with that.
But, my son is over the moon with excitement.  He can't wait to share a room with his baby brother and help take care of him.  I just pray that he won't be disappointed again.  He was devastated when we lost Nathan and I don't want him to go through that pain again.
The kids have their own pictures of their new baby brother and have been creating artwork and making up stories all day.  The girls are excited, too, just like their brother.  I know God knows what He is doing but I am scared that He thinks we can handle losing another son and brother.  It's silly, I know.  The baby being a girl would not insure that things would work out and it being a boy does not mean that things will go wrong. We've had a great time raising a wonderful boy for the past 9 years.  This baby should be fine, too.  I know the likelihood of a good outcome is very high.  I hate this roller coaster ride of emotions.

Panic Attack

Well, the doctor's appointment was fun this morning.  Not.  For the first time ever in all of my pregnancies the doctor really had to search for the heartbeat.  I had flashbacks to being told that Nathan had died.  I'm sure the doctor thought I was crazy when I started blathering on about how the baby hides sometimes when I'm looking at home and she just needed to keep looking.  Eventually she found it.  I left the room shaking and managed to keep it together until I got to the van.  But, before I got to the van I had to check out and make an ultrasound appointment for 21 weeks.  You know?  The one where we were told that Nathan didn't have a heartbeat?  Just to make it even more fun the receptionist told me that they will give me a DVD of the baby at that ultrasound.  We didn't get that with Nathan.  It was a reminder of what we missed the last time.  I got in the van, grabbed my cell phone and called my husband.  Then I proceeded to mess up my makeup by sobbing all over the place.  Two punches in one trip.  Fun.  Shaking, crying, trouble breathing...yup panic attack.  I haven't had one of those since college.  I haven't missed them.  The roller coaster ride continues.

Church Woes

I have been back and forth over whether or not I should even post this but this blog was started so I could work through my feelings.  Here goes.
I am still sitting here dumbfounded over what has happened to me recently.  Way back in the beginning of December I requested of a group I belonged to that the venue be changed for the Christmas party.  Apparently I stepped all over the toes of the woman in charge of the group by doing so.  A meeting was called by the pastor.  It turned into a lovely Sara-bashing session.  I got up to leave (to go cry) and the pastor stood up, walked over, and blocked me from leaving the room.  I have looked up the state law and this is class 5 felony kidnapping.  He did step aside to let me out after I said a few things to him.  My husband and I asked to have a meeting with the pastor later on that day to address the fact that a crime was committed and he needed to apologize for it.  As for all that happened next, my jaw is still on the floor.
You all know this because you read this blog but I would like to remind everyone before I continue that I lost my son in August and am currently pregnant again.  My husband called meeting after meeting after meeting trying to get the pastor to see that what he did was wrong.  At the last meeting they had the pastor stated he did nothing wrong and would do it again if the situation warranted it.  We decided to leave the church.  We sent an e-mail to all of the elders stating that we could no longer trust the integrity of the leadership and wished to have our membership removed.  Apparently a meeting was called (after we left the church) with the deacons to explain to them that I was going to be brought up on church discipline the following Sunday.  I had no knowledge that I would be brought up on church discipline, what I had supposedly done, or what needed to be done to fix things.  This is a total disregard for Matthew 18.  I found out later that I apparently have a "chronic negative attitude" and I was also in trouble for my blog posts and some things I said on facebook.  The pastor told us we could come back if I publicly apologized for these things.  Since I do not possess a "chronic negative attitude" nor have I written anything worthy of apologizing for this is not going to happen.  And, he seems to be forgetting that we left because he broke the law.
The pastor is supposed to shepherd his flock.  This involves protecting them.  I was not a threat to anyone other than him.  If he truly cared for me or my unborn child he would have waited to bring this up until I had had the baby.  Although, I maintain there was nothing to bring up in the first place.  The amount of stress this whole situation has put me through has been tremendous.  I have lost almost all of my friends from the church because they cannot believe the pastor would lie.  But, that's turned out to be okay since there are 15 other families/individuals who have left under similar circumstances.  I have friends in those families and I can tell you we all feel battered and bruised by the leadership at this church.  We are all still in shock that a supposed Christian leader could ever act like this.  And we know that no one still at the church would believe us if we tried to explain.  So we pray for the congregation's eyes to be opened to who they are really following and for the pastor to be brought to his knees in repentance.  In the meantime, I am trying to not focus on it too much.  I am worried about what all of this stress is doing to the baby.  I'm pretty sure not one person involved in this debacle has even stopped for 2 seconds to think about that.

I can feel it!

After a few days of wondering if I'm feeling the baby or not it is no longer in doubt.  I was half asleep this morning when someone (Jack) slammed a door.  I jumped, the baby jumped.  It's a little bittersweet.  I'm remembering all of the times I felt Nathan move and it makes me sad.  I'll never see him do something as a baby and think, "oh, that's what he was doing in there!"  I hope I get that with this baby.  I'm also scared.  I tend to get more attached when I can feel the baby move and part of me doesn't want to do that this time.  What if I lose this baby, too?  Wouldn't it be easier if I just pretended the baby wasn't there?  That mother-baby bond is just too strong, though.  I actually found myself excited and looking forward to the end of this pregnancy when I get to hold my baby and hear that precious little newborn cry.  And that scares me, too.  I'm a goner when we find out what this baby is.  We already have names picked out.  I can't help but bond with someone when I'm talking to them and using their name.  And it's not really fair to this baby if I keep my distance.  This baby deserves to be celebrated and longed for, too.  And I do long for him or her.  I feel like I have waited an eternity to have this baby.
We were happy with three kids and weren't interested in having any more.  Then God changed my heart.  I prayed for a year for Jim to want another baby, too and tried not to pester him or force him into a decision.  We then tried for 6 months before we conceived Nathan.  I carried him for 5 months and then we lost him.  Two months of trying and I was pregnant again.  So, over 2 and a half years later, we will have our precious little baby.  Much loved, much wanted, and probably much spoiled.  I can't wait to hold my sweet little baby in my arms.

Well, that was scary

I had the worst dream last night.  I dreamed that I started spotting and got the doppler to check the heartbeat.  Everyone was in the room with me when I checked on the baby, even the kids.  Katherine was practically climbing all over me while I frantically moved the doppler around hoping that I could find the heartbeat.  I had no success.  I woke up in a panic.  My heart was racing and I felt like crying. Then I remembered I really do have a doppler.  Ah, bliss.  The wonderful sound of my very awake and wiggly baby filled my bedroom.  That was thirty minutes ago and I still feel like crying but at least my heart rate has returned to normal.  Life after a pregnancy loss is a crazy roller coaster ride.

It works!

You know that doppler I have been wanting to use?  Well, the time came to give it a try and I had the hardest time finding anything.  I started at 10 weeks and found nothing.  11 weeks, nothing.  12 weeks, nothing.  I got determined.  I looked up online exactly where I was supposed to be placing the thing, followed the directions exactly and, voila, baby heartbeat!  I im'd my husband and told him I had found it.  He was jealous so I found it again for him.  Now, every time I start to get worried about the baby I just listen for a little bit and I feel better.  This has been such a stressful week that I have used it three times.  I get so convinced that stress will cause the baby to die that I have to check.  This may seem crazy, but according to what I have read, I would be abnormal if I didn't worry after what happened last time.  My new obsession, now that I can check the heartbeat any time I want, is my weight.  I am diabetic.  I lost a lot of weight after we lost Nathan and I am now down to a healthy weight.  It is extremely hard, if you are following the diet, to gain weight if you are diabetic.  Try being pregnant and diabetic.  I had my checkup at the ob on Monday and did an inner cheer when I saw that my weight was the same as the time before.  I was down only 4 pounds from the start of the pregnancy.  I cannot say the same anymore.  The things that I have heard, the things that I have found out this week have made stress rear it's ugly head again.  Stress=less eating=weight loss.  2 and a half more pounds gone.  I am dangerously close to being underweight when this baby is born.  I am not likely to gain.  So I obsess about whether I will be able to nurse or not.  I picture myself wasting away to nothing while trying to feed my baby.  If I can't gain weight while pregnant, I definitely won't while nursing.  I'll need even more calories then.  I really want to nurse this baby and I am worried that it's not going to happen.  Stop!  God is in control.  He knows exactly what is going to happen and no amount of worrying on my part will change a thing.  This day really does have enough troubles of it's own.  Why add more to it?  Lord, help me to trust that you know best.  Help calm my fears and anxieties.  And please, Lord, if I start worrying again, smack me upside the head and tell me to knock it off.

Farewell

Farewell, Redeeming Grace, we will miss you.  You were so good to us when we lost Nathan and we can never repay you for that.  But, it is time to move on.  Time to start somewhere new.  Time to leave behind the only church we have known since we moved here almost 4 years ago.  It is heartbreaking.  This is not what we wanted.  This is not what we asked for.  But this is God's answer.  Do I feel like I have the energy to start over somewhere new?  No.  Do I feel like surrounding myself with people who don't even know about Nathan?  No.  Do I feel like uprooting my kids from all of their friends and forcing them to make new ones?  No.  Do I feel like taking the time to make new friends?  No.  But these are all things that God is asking me to do.  What choice do I have?  So I will move on.  I will go somewhere new.  I will find the energy to do what God is asking me to do.

Depending on God

I am done with people.  Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that God can speak through others but what happened to the love that all Christians are supposed to have?  It seems this is stressed quite a bit in Jesus' teachings and I find it sad that it is so lacking in today's Christian circles.  When someone does something wrong it's suddenly time to attack them.  The Jesus I see in scripture wouldn't let the person get away with the bad behavior but would gently show her what she did wrong.  What happened to "love the sinner, hate the sin?"  It seems that nowadays it's "hate the sinner and the sin."  Ever since Nathan died God has been teaching me to rely more and more on Him and less and less on people.  I hear people say He is their All in All.  Really?  You don't go to anyone else for support at all?  You never talk to anyone about what is going on in your life?  You never rely on your own strength to get you through?  Sure, God should be the One you go to first with everything.  What do you do if your answer to prayer is to speak to someone?  Are you still relying on God?  I think so.  People claim that they rely solely on God for everything but we are not exactly designed that way.  God designed us to need others to help us through this cruel world.  No man is an island.  People are flawed.  Not a single person alive today is perfect.  That has become very clear to me over the past month or so.  People are turning out to be not at all like I thought they were.  I have been let down more times than I can count.  But there are those rare people who do love me despite my faults.  People who gently point out to me where I am wrong.  People who want me to be the best I can be here on this earth.  Maybe I'm not done with people after all, just most of them.