Happy Birthday, Nathan.

One year ago today I gave birth to my sweet Nathan.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We have come a long way in a year but it's still hard.  Having Henry here helps in a way but he's also a very real reminder of what we lost.  I can't help but look at him and wonder if Nathan would have had the same long fingers and big feet.  What would he have looked like if he had been allowed to develop fully.  Would he like the 1812 Overture like Henry does?  Would he love to be talked to like Henry?  Would he have slept as well?  Would he have smiled so early?  We'll never know what he would have been like and that is hard.  I don't know my own son.  I missed out on learning about him and seeing his personality develop.  I missed his first smile and his first laugh.  I missed comforting him when he cried and singing him to sleep.  I won't ever see him grow up.  He'll never run or ride a bike.  He won't grow up and get married and have kids of his own.  Today we remember what little time we had with him and cry over what we have missed.  There will be no first birthday party; only a small trip to the cemetery to visit his grave.  I hope God is throwing him a big party up there in Heaven.  Someday we will get to celebrate with him but until then we will try to move on and live lives that will make Nathan proud to call us family.

Welcome Home Nathan

That's what the sign says at a local church.  We were heading out to lunch and laughing.  The laughter stopped when we saw that sign.  My husband said it was a landmine and he is right.  They are everywhere; these little reminders ready to punch us in the gut and remind us of our loss.  My mom has referred to Henry as Nathan twice and I have done the same thing.  It's not like when I have to run through all of the kids' names before I get the right one.  When I make the mistake of calling a living child by the dead child's name it's another punch in the gut.  Does this get easier?  Is there some day when hearing or seeing the name Nathan won't make me flinch?  Is there a day coming when seeing a sign welcoming Nathan home won't make me cry?  My husband told me that the sign is true.  That Nathan is home.  And that he is waiting for us and someday we could go home, too.  I know that's true but it still feels like a member of our family is missing.  It still hurts that he is gone.  And it's hard going through my day not knowing what will trigger sadness and tears.  When I saw that sign I stopped and prayed for God to take good care of our son and I know he is.