Beating Up Satan

On Thursday, during our weekly date night, I told my husband, Jim, that I had been feeling pretty well emotionally this past week.  About a minute after I said this a strange thing happened.  One of the waitresses came up and asked us if we were out without our son.  We told her we were out without all three kids.  She asked us if we had had a baby recently.  She then told us that she must have us confused with someone else.  Things like this are happening a lot lately.  I'll feel like I'm doing alright and then someone asks me about my kids, or a pregnant woman will walk past, or there will be a little newborn nearby.  It's really easy to let these things get me down.  After all, I am on the outside looking in.  Just 2 months ago I was a part of that.  Pregnant and looking forward to holding my baby.  No more.  Well, back to date night.  Jim saw I was upset by the exchange with the waitress and he said something to me that has helped me immensely.  He told me that it was not that woman's fault.  That Satan was suggesting to her to talk with us.  He then suggested I focus on that and fight back.  And to take it as a good sign that Satan was not getting what he wants out of me.  You are all probably going to think this is nuts, but I started picturing, in my head, a fight between Satan and myself.  I have to say that it was not a fair fight.  Satan might have been a bit wimpy and tied up.  It's not really a fair fight in real life anyway.  I have God on my side and Satan doesn't have a chance.  I used this image again when we went to the movies and not one, but  two pregnant women came in the bathroom while I was in there.  Bring it on, Satan.  My God is bigger than you and He will help me crush you like a bug.

Walk to Remember

Today we participated in our hospital's Walk to Remember.  There was a service where people could share their experiences and then we took a walk around the hospital grounds.  The walk ended at a small tree where we were all able to plant tulip bulbs for our lost children.  Inside the hospital I had to make a quick decision.  How many flowers would we plant?  If we planted two, what would I write on the second marker?  You see, we lost another baby through miscarriage before we ever had kids.  At the time I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again.  I did not mourn for that baby like I should have.  When the doctor told me there was no heartbeat I just wanted "it" out as quickly as possible.  I tried to disconnect myself from that baby.  Now, 10 years later, I realize that I have failed.  That child is as much a part of our family as Nathan is.  And I have failed my first baby again.  I chickened out.  I had no idea whether that child was a boy or a girl.  We never named the baby.  I totally blanked on what I could write on that marker and so we only planted one for Nathan.  I wish I could go back and do it over.  There is nothing wrong with just writing "Baby" for the name.  Why didn't I think of that at the time?  And so I add to the long list of things I would change if I could.

Why Do You Not See?

I am changed.  I am not the same woman I was before my son died.  I am still changing.  I will not be the same woman a year from now.  Grief is a process.  A long one.  Who am I?  I can't really tell you right now.  I am waiting to see what God does with me through this tragedy.  I still make mistakes; sometimes big ones.  That is what it means to be human.  If we could be perfect, then Jesus never needed to die.  I rest in the fact that Jesus covers my mistakes; I just need to be willing to work to not make the same mistakes again.  I have also had to work very hard to try and give people the benefit of the doubt.  My natural tendency is to think that people have the worst possible reasons for doing what they do.  It was what I was taught, how I was raised.  But, you know what?  The more I work on coming up with good reasons for people's actions, the more content I am and the better my relationships become.  It is a learned skill; one I wish people in my life would work on when dealing with me.  Am I done working on this?  No, not by a long shot.  I have to stop myself and redirect my thoughts all the time.  I am hoping that someday it will come naturally but for now I refuse to let my negative thoughts win the battle.  And really, that is all that I can do right now.

Nathan's Grave Marker

 

Nathan's grave marker was placed yesterday.  Just a little more closure for us.  It says he's "playing in God's garden."  I know this is true but every fiber of my being is screaming for him to be playing HERE.  I still don't understand and probably never will until I get to heaven.  It is a daily struggle to continue to trust God with everything we have been though.  As I knelt at his grave this morning God brought a Bible verse to mind:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

--II Corinthians 13:3

Lord, I am really feeling weak right now.  Thank you for reminding me that You are always enough and that You are still here, walking with me through this, molding me into what You want me to be.

Here Are Some Helpful Hints

Here are two links that have been provided to me that help explain what people can do to help and also what they shouldn't do.
Counsel For Griever
An Open Letter to You

"Have you not Known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength."
--Isaiah 40:28-29

Ready for Heaven

I have never been so ready to get to heaven.  This world is full of hurting and pain and I have had my fill.  Heaven is looking better than ever.  An eternity of rest and praising God?  Sign me up.  I have been listening to a song lately that really expresses my feelings quite nicely.  It is Kutless' "I Do Not Belong." 

"I Do Not Belong"

I look around and I feel like, things changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

When the world is behind me on the day that I breathe my last
In the face of eternity there's hope cause' I believe
When I look to the heavens and the future that you hold
It makes it easier to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

This world is not my home
I'm a stranger in this land
But I am not alone
When I do not belong:

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong
No, I do not belong
I do not belong

Fridays are Hard

Fridays are hard.  I gave birth to Nathan on a Friday.  Every week that ache in my gut I thought I got rid of rears its ugly head again.  My emotions are right there at the surface and at some point I will cry.  But I will make it through to another day.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exhults,
and with my song I give thanks to Him.
--Psalm 28:7

Nathan's Story

We got pregnant in March after 6 months of trying.  Everyone was so excited, especially Jack, my oldest.  He was convinced this was his baby brother he had been praying for.  I was told right and left that this was a boy.  When we went in for the ultrasound at 18 weeks to find out the gender, we only had a boy's name picked out.  Sure enough, it was a happy, healthy, wiggling little boy.  I'm not sure what happened between that ultrasound and 3 weeks later when we went back in for the "big" ultrasound to have Nathan checked out.  We waited in the waiting room, excited for a chance to see our son again.  The technician looked around for a minute, took 2 measurements and left to get the doctor.  Those were the scariest minutes in my life.  Having had three kids already, I knew that something was wrong.  The doctor came to the room and told us that Nathan's heart had stopped.  This was the single worst moment in my life.  I really do not remember much that happened after that.  I know Jim went to get the car to bring it around back and that Dr. Kidd sat with me while he was gone.  I know they both had to support me as I left the doctor's office knowing we had to tell our children that their baby brother was dead.
In the car, I cried out to God, asking Him if Nathan was the baby He had told me we were going to have.  His answer was no.  That was my first moment of hope in the midst of this trial.  I was not alone.  God was there and He was letting me know it.  That was only the beginning.
The rest of the day was a blur.  We went to my best friend Kelli's house to tell her what had happened and then went home, relieved the babysitter, told the kids, and made arrangements for me to be induced the next day.  Kelli and another dear friend came and took the kids out of the house for a while.  In the midst of the constant flood of tears we prepared to go to the hospital to deliver our precious baby boy.  That night I honestly didn't feel like reading my Bible like I usually do.  I figured that God understood.
The next morning we went to the hospital and I was admitted into Labor and Delivery.  God again showed that His hand is on everything.  Nurse Betsy was there to greet us. I could not have asked for a better nurse.  She knows her job and does it very well.  From the moment we got to our room, Jim and I could both feel the hundreds of prayers going up on our behalf.  Our friends and family were pouring out their hearts to God on our behalf and He was letting us feel them.  It was overwhelming.
The doctor started the induction after double-checking, at our request,  to make sure Nathan's heart was really not beating.  Now, all we could do was wait.  The phone calls and texts from friends and family were pouring in to Jim's phone and Kelli came to sit for a little while.  Our pastor showed up to pray and visit with us and after he left things really started happening.  Not long after our pastor left, Nathan was born.  Jim saw him first, while the nurses and doctor tended to me and then I got to hold my son.  Jim was not prepared for what he saw, but I had seen pictures of a 21-weeker before and was prepared.  We marveled over the perfect fingers and toes and decided that his ears would have been pointed like Jim's and he would have had Katherine's nose.  I held him for over 4 hours.
A nurse took Nathan and got his footprints, took pictures, and put together a scrapbook for us.  This scrapbook was my constant companion for the next several days.  I held it while they wheeled me out of the hospital the next day, while we picked out a blanket for his coffin, his coffin, and his grave marker.  While we went for lunch, church, and his funeral.  While we marveled over how God had led us here, to the place we live, to the church we belong to, to the neighbors we have.  We agreed that we wouldn't have wanted to go through this anywhere else.  Even 4 years ago when we were deciding where to live, God was guiding our steps, knowing what was in store for us.  Our church family rallied behind us.  We never had to worry about the kids.  They had it covered.  We never had to worry about food.  Our church family made sure we were well fed.  Plants, cards, gifts, food, visits.  It went on and on and we were overwhelmed once again at their love for us.
The first night after we were home from the hospital, I picked up my Bible and looked to see what my scheduled reading was for that day.  Job.  1-3.  Where Job is talking about how much better off a stillborn baby is than a man.  Wow.  Nathan is lucky.  For the next two weeks it was almost like there were neon flashing lights around certain Bible passages.  God was talking to me through His word.
The funeral service was simple.  Just the kids, Jim, me, and our pastor.  I really can't remember what was said.  My grief was too great.  I do remember what God did for me, though.  I will never forget.  As Pastor Mike was speaking, I felt arms wrapping around me and heard angels whispering the names of my friends and family who were praying us through that service.  Again I was overwhelmed by God's love and theirs.  Mike left and we stayed as they finished burying our son.  I had to make sure they did it right.  It was the last thing I could do for him.  I really felt like that moment was the start of my healing.
I don't know what God is going to do with this but I know it is going to be something big.  I am already changed and continue to change on a daily basis.  I am being molded into what He wants me to be.  Yes, it hurts, but I cling to God and cry out to Him and I know that I am not alone.