Excitement and Trepidation

We went in for our 18 week ultrasound this morning.  I had this fear that the technician would look and the baby would be dead.  Whew!  Baby was alive and kicking.  We got to see him (yes, that's right, him) drinking the amniotic fluid and practicing breathing.  Everything seems to be working properly.  I have spent the first half of this pregnancy thinking this baby was a girl.  I'm not sure how much was my opinion and how much was me trying to protect myself.  I have read a lot on stillbirth and I know that statistically it happens more with boys than girls.  I thought, "if this is a girl, she won't die on me."  So, I am excited that we will be adding a little boy to our family but I'm scared.  I'm sure that doppler will get a workout over the next few weeks.  I'm also worried that people will be more likely to look at this baby as a replacement for Nathan since it is another boy.  I don't think that would happen as much with a girl.  I don't feel like dealing with that.
But, my son is over the moon with excitement.  He can't wait to share a room with his baby brother and help take care of him.  I just pray that he won't be disappointed again.  He was devastated when we lost Nathan and I don't want him to go through that pain again.
The kids have their own pictures of their new baby brother and have been creating artwork and making up stories all day.  The girls are excited, too, just like their brother.  I know God knows what He is doing but I am scared that He thinks we can handle losing another son and brother.  It's silly, I know.  The baby being a girl would not insure that things would work out and it being a boy does not mean that things will go wrong. We've had a great time raising a wonderful boy for the past 9 years.  This baby should be fine, too.  I know the likelihood of a good outcome is very high.  I hate this roller coaster ride of emotions.

Panic Attack

Well, the doctor's appointment was fun this morning.  Not.  For the first time ever in all of my pregnancies the doctor really had to search for the heartbeat.  I had flashbacks to being told that Nathan had died.  I'm sure the doctor thought I was crazy when I started blathering on about how the baby hides sometimes when I'm looking at home and she just needed to keep looking.  Eventually she found it.  I left the room shaking and managed to keep it together until I got to the van.  But, before I got to the van I had to check out and make an ultrasound appointment for 21 weeks.  You know?  The one where we were told that Nathan didn't have a heartbeat?  Just to make it even more fun the receptionist told me that they will give me a DVD of the baby at that ultrasound.  We didn't get that with Nathan.  It was a reminder of what we missed the last time.  I got in the van, grabbed my cell phone and called my husband.  Then I proceeded to mess up my makeup by sobbing all over the place.  Two punches in one trip.  Fun.  Shaking, crying, trouble breathing...yup panic attack.  I haven't had one of those since college.  I haven't missed them.  The roller coaster ride continues.

Church Woes

I have been back and forth over whether or not I should even post this but this blog was started so I could work through my feelings.  Here goes.
I am still sitting here dumbfounded over what has happened to me recently.  Way back in the beginning of December I requested of a group I belonged to that the venue be changed for the Christmas party.  Apparently I stepped all over the toes of the woman in charge of the group by doing so.  A meeting was called by the pastor.  It turned into a lovely Sara-bashing session.  I got up to leave (to go cry) and the pastor stood up, walked over, and blocked me from leaving the room.  I have looked up the state law and this is class 5 felony kidnapping.  He did step aside to let me out after I said a few things to him.  My husband and I asked to have a meeting with the pastor later on that day to address the fact that a crime was committed and he needed to apologize for it.  As for all that happened next, my jaw is still on the floor.
You all know this because you read this blog but I would like to remind everyone before I continue that I lost my son in August and am currently pregnant again.  My husband called meeting after meeting after meeting trying to get the pastor to see that what he did was wrong.  At the last meeting they had the pastor stated he did nothing wrong and would do it again if the situation warranted it.  We decided to leave the church.  We sent an e-mail to all of the elders stating that we could no longer trust the integrity of the leadership and wished to have our membership removed.  Apparently a meeting was called (after we left the church) with the deacons to explain to them that I was going to be brought up on church discipline the following Sunday.  I had no knowledge that I would be brought up on church discipline, what I had supposedly done, or what needed to be done to fix things.  This is a total disregard for Matthew 18.  I found out later that I apparently have a "chronic negative attitude" and I was also in trouble for my blog posts and some things I said on facebook.  The pastor told us we could come back if I publicly apologized for these things.  Since I do not possess a "chronic negative attitude" nor have I written anything worthy of apologizing for this is not going to happen.  And, he seems to be forgetting that we left because he broke the law.
The pastor is supposed to shepherd his flock.  This involves protecting them.  I was not a threat to anyone other than him.  If he truly cared for me or my unborn child he would have waited to bring this up until I had had the baby.  Although, I maintain there was nothing to bring up in the first place.  The amount of stress this whole situation has put me through has been tremendous.  I have lost almost all of my friends from the church because they cannot believe the pastor would lie.  But, that's turned out to be okay since there are 15 other families/individuals who have left under similar circumstances.  I have friends in those families and I can tell you we all feel battered and bruised by the leadership at this church.  We are all still in shock that a supposed Christian leader could ever act like this.  And we know that no one still at the church would believe us if we tried to explain.  So we pray for the congregation's eyes to be opened to who they are really following and for the pastor to be brought to his knees in repentance.  In the meantime, I am trying to not focus on it too much.  I am worried about what all of this stress is doing to the baby.  I'm pretty sure not one person involved in this debacle has even stopped for 2 seconds to think about that.

I can feel it!

After a few days of wondering if I'm feeling the baby or not it is no longer in doubt.  I was half asleep this morning when someone (Jack) slammed a door.  I jumped, the baby jumped.  It's a little bittersweet.  I'm remembering all of the times I felt Nathan move and it makes me sad.  I'll never see him do something as a baby and think, "oh, that's what he was doing in there!"  I hope I get that with this baby.  I'm also scared.  I tend to get more attached when I can feel the baby move and part of me doesn't want to do that this time.  What if I lose this baby, too?  Wouldn't it be easier if I just pretended the baby wasn't there?  That mother-baby bond is just too strong, though.  I actually found myself excited and looking forward to the end of this pregnancy when I get to hold my baby and hear that precious little newborn cry.  And that scares me, too.  I'm a goner when we find out what this baby is.  We already have names picked out.  I can't help but bond with someone when I'm talking to them and using their name.  And it's not really fair to this baby if I keep my distance.  This baby deserves to be celebrated and longed for, too.  And I do long for him or her.  I feel like I have waited an eternity to have this baby.
We were happy with three kids and weren't interested in having any more.  Then God changed my heart.  I prayed for a year for Jim to want another baby, too and tried not to pester him or force him into a decision.  We then tried for 6 months before we conceived Nathan.  I carried him for 5 months and then we lost him.  Two months of trying and I was pregnant again.  So, over 2 and a half years later, we will have our precious little baby.  Much loved, much wanted, and probably much spoiled.  I can't wait to hold my sweet little baby in my arms.

Well, that was scary

I had the worst dream last night.  I dreamed that I started spotting and got the doppler to check the heartbeat.  Everyone was in the room with me when I checked on the baby, even the kids.  Katherine was practically climbing all over me while I frantically moved the doppler around hoping that I could find the heartbeat.  I had no success.  I woke up in a panic.  My heart was racing and I felt like crying. Then I remembered I really do have a doppler.  Ah, bliss.  The wonderful sound of my very awake and wiggly baby filled my bedroom.  That was thirty minutes ago and I still feel like crying but at least my heart rate has returned to normal.  Life after a pregnancy loss is a crazy roller coaster ride.