6 more weeks!

When I went to the doctor last week she set up an induction for the 12th of July.  We have, at the most, 6 more weeks to go before we meet this little guy.  I'm really excited to meet him but nervous because that's 6 more weeks I have to keep him alive in there.  Everything is colored by our experience with Nathan.  I see everything through that filter.  I have suspected for a while that the staff at the doctor's office is informed about what happened with Nathan before they deal with me.   Today, at our non-stress test, this was confirmed.  I appreciate this as there is an extra sensitivity there that wouldn't be there without that knowledge.  So, from here on out, I am at the doctor's for a non-stress test twice a week, a doctor's visit once and week, and a biophysical profile every three weeks.  My doctor is being very careful to monitor both me and Henry very closely and I appreciate every visit.  Every test he passes is a weight off of me.  Today he needed a little bit of encouragement to pass his non-stress test.  The nurse used something called an activator to wake him up since he was having a nice little snooze.  This device was placed next to Henry's head and produced a loud buzz and a vibration.  He spent the next ten minutes letting us know how much he disliked his treatment.  (I think he might have a wee bit of his mommy's temper.)  I can't wait to meet him, but in the meantime all of this monitoring is very reassuring for me.

Baby Shower

God is taking care of me through everything.  I struggle so much with celebrating Henry because the loss of Nathan is still so fresh.  When we had to leave our previous church I was sad because I didn't think I would get a baby shower.  It's not about the stuff.  We can afford to get everything Henry needs.  It's about celebrating him with people who care about Henry and me.  I wanted the party.  Well, some of my friends, behind my back, have been planning a shower for quite a while.  I just found out about it a few days ago.  I am overwhelmed by their generosity and love.  And, I can't wait to celebrate Henry with them.  These friends have been there for me through this entire ugly year.  I can't think of anyone else I would rather celebrate with than them.  Thanks, guys, you know who you are.

As we get closer

As we get closer to the birth of Henry I am struggling.  I am so excited to meet him face to face yet....what if?  What if he doesn't make it?  What if he is stillborn like Nathan?  What if he dies in his sleep after we take him home?  These fears and the approaching birthday for Henry have brought flashbacks to our experience with Nathan.  Memories are flooding back and I find myself depressed and crying.  The other night I was trying to get to sleep and I kept remembering being in the hospital after we had Nathan.  We had several hours with him and that was it.  No more time to hold him.  I had to hand him over to the nurse knowing that I would never see him again.  I hope and I pray that we will have years and years with Henry but I'm scared that it won't happen.  No one knows what happened with Nathan and I worry that the same thing could happen with Henry.  My husband said he feels like all of the tests they are running on Henry are excessive.  I do not.  Every single one of them is reassurance that he is doing great.  He's big and strong and is passing all tests with flying colors.  We praise God for that.  And we look forward to meeting our little boy face to face.

Someone is missing.

I got up this morning and was attacked by happy children eager to wish me a happy Mother's Day.  I was showered in cards, some of their making and some they bought in the store.  There were hugs and kisses all around.  I am so blessed. 
The kids ran off to play and I was left on the couch with my thoughts.  Someone is missing.  There should be four kids here right now.  Instead, I have one child cold and buried underground.  He will never make me a Mother's Day card or give me kisses and hugs.  He will never run off to play with his brother and sisters.  I will not get to watch him grow up, get married, have kids of his own.  I am missing him a lot today.  I still don't understand why he had to go to heaven before we even got a chance to get to know him.  I want him back.  Everyone sees my three children and my pregnant belly and they smile.  I want to scream that there is one more; that I am missing my precious little boy.  They look at me and see a happy mother of three and one on the way while in reality I am torn up inside.  There will always be someone missing.  That is something I have to live with every day of my life.   That is my reality. 

The Room.

We went back to the doctor's office today for another try at the 3D ultrasound.  Henry hadn't cooperated very well two days ago.  As we walked down the hallway I realized that we were being led to the same room where we had been told Nathan was gone.  I stopped in the hallway and told my husband I wasn't sure I could go in there.  Then I took a deep breath and entered the room.  As soon as I sat down on the table I started to cry.  I could remember sitting there when the technician told us she had to go get the doctor.  I remembered sitting there while my doctor explained to us that Nathan's heart had stopped beating.  I remembered being half-carried out of the room by my husband and my doctor.  I guess God thought I was ready for all of that emotion.  It's one more step in the healing process and it hurts.  But, each new thing I think might break me only seems to show me how strong I am.  It is true that with God's strength I can do anything.  Even return to the room where I was told the worst news of my life.

The home stretch!

Here's Henry!  We got to see him yesterday during our 3D ultrasound.    Seeing his little face on that screen just made me want to hold him more.  We saw him make all sorts of faces and I can't wait to see them after he's out.  I was hoping that we would see him have the hiccups during the ultrasound.  He gets them 3 or 4 times every day and I was curious to see what it looked like.  Sure enough, he got them while we were watching.  The poor thing's whole body jerks and his mouth is forced closed with every hiccup.  No wonder he gets so upset!

My mother pointed out to me the other day that I have been pregnant 10 out of the past 12 months.  No wonder this feels like the longest pregnancy in history.  I'm still not entirely convinced Henry will be okay and I worry when he doesn't move a lot.  Just now I was noticing he hadn't moved in a while.  And then he kicked me.  God's not giving me much of a chance to obsess about it.  Usually when I notice Henry hasn't moved, it only takes a few minutes before he's up and going again.  My innocence about pregnancy was shattered when Nathan died inside me.  Wasn't that supposed to be a safe place for him?  Doesn't it work out that if you get into the second trimester you're home free?  We're told that if you see the heartbeat the chance of losing the baby is small.  Why would anyone think they would be on the wrong end of the statistic?  But, once it happens to you everything is looked at through that loss.  It does put some things in perspective.  After the loss of Nathan, the loss of my church and almost my entire friend base didn't destroy me.  I knew there were worse things that could happen.  Sure, it wasn't easy, but I think I would have handled things quite differently if I had not already lost my son.  I have relaxed with our children.  Some things that seemed like a big deal before don't seem like that at all now.  And I trust God more than ever.  I don't understand why Nathan died but I do know that God has never left my side through this past year of trials and tribulations.  My faith is strong, Henry is strong, and we are moving forward toward whatever God has planned for us.  Hopefully soon that will involve raising Henry to love God as much as we do.