Christmas is Hard

Here I am, on Christmas, trying not to cry.  I rocked Henry and while I rocked him I thought, "I should have been doing this with Nathan last year."  People would ask me when my baby was due and I would say December 28th.  The response was always, "What a wonderful Christmas present."  And that is how I thought of him.  My very own living, breathing, Christmas present.  But he died and never even took a breath and I am left without him.  In some ways it is easier with Henry here and in others it makes it harder.  I can see exactly what I missed with Nathan.  Henry watched me open his Christmas presents and I laughed while he tossed every single one of them off the Bumbo tray to the floor.  I will never help Nathan open any gifts or watch him toss them with delight.  Henry was tired after all the commotion and I got to take him upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I will never take Nathan upstairs and rock him and put him to bed.  I struggle to be happy during Christmastime.  I make an effort for my kids.  But last year's Christmas present was taken from me and I can't help but be sad.  So I am down today when I should be happy.  I am struggling not to cry.  I miss my son so much it hurts.  And I'm not sure Christmas will ever be the same again.

The Duggars

I haven't watched their show or really followed a whole lot of the publicity on the Duggars but they got my attention last week.  I had heard that Michelle was pregnant with her 20th baby and I thought she was crazy with what had happened last time.  I feel she was risking her life getting pregnant again but I am not her doctor nor am I her.  It was her decision.  When I heard about her miscarriage last week I felt so bad for her.  She was just a little less far along than I was when we lost Nathan.  It is hard.  It doesn't matter whether it's your first baby or your 20th, losing a baby stinks.  I have watched, horrified, as people have commented on her situation.  There are so many people who have written in on news articles stating that this was God's way of telling her she is done having children.  That she should take the hint and quit.  That she is somehow responsible for this outcome because of her age/family size/beliefs.  I hope she never reads them.  It's hard enough grieving without being in the public eye.  I cannot imagine grieving in front of millions of people.  People who see fit to judge you for your decisions.  I was guilty of it when I heard about her pregnancy and I am sorry for it.  It is not my place to judge her and her decisions. 
Now, pictures of little Jubilee's precious hands and feet have been spread all over the web.  The Duggars are being judged for that as well.  People are calling the pictures "controversial." Why?  They are sweet pictures of a life lost.  I found myself comparing Jubilee's hands and feet to Nathan's.  His fingers were longer, but then again, all of our babies had long fingers.  Her feet looked very much like Nathan's feet did.  I saw the pictures and I cried.  I hurt for the Duggars and what they are going through right now.  And I still hurt for my little family.  In a lot of ways we have moved on but there are moments here and there to remind us of what we are missing.  I still look at Henry and wonder if Nathan's smile would have looked like his. (He has a great smile.)  I see babies born last December and wonder if Nathan would have been doing all of the same things.   Nathan's due date is fast approaching and that familiar longing is still there.  I continue to mourn for my sweet Nathan and my prayers are with the Duggar family as they process this loss and try to deal with the reality of life after losing a child.