Dear Nathan,
The Walk to Remember is going on right now and we're not there. We haven't forgotten you. It's a cold and rainy day and we didn't want your baby brother out in that kind of weather. Also, your sister has a sinus infection and needs to stay home and get better. I hate to miss it. There will be no tulip planted in your memory this year. Daddy asked me last night why I even wanted to go back this year. I have thought about it and I think it's because life is going at a very fast clip right now and I wanted to stop and think about you for just a little while. I can't even hear myself think most of the time. But you are there, in the back of my mind all the time. We all look at life through our own personal filters and you are a permanent part of mine. I still see everything though the loss of you. I guess that's why your baby brother is a tad bit spoiled. We just now put him out of our bedroom and I panicked. I know what losing a child feels like and I am scared to death that I will have to go through that again. I felt better having him where I could hear him breathe. I remember checking on your older siblings when they were sleeping just to make sure they were okay. It's worse this time around. The whole process of parenting is letting go and that is hard. Henry needs to have space to grow and learn. He can't do that if I smother him. But, just for today, I will squeeze him a little tighter and remember you, my precious Nathan, whom I never got to see grow. Goodbye, little one.
Love you always,
Mommy
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