I am struggling this week. We got pregnant with Nathan in March of 2010. That makes this month hard. And I am struggling with why this had to happen. I wonder if the purpose is to help other moms who lose their babies. So when someone announces a pregnancy I am simultaneously happy and scared. Will this be the one I am supposed to help? So, when someone goes through their whole pregnancy and have the end result of a healthy baby I am relieved. That happened this week. I think, "Not her," and I breathe a sigh of relief. And I wait for the emotional roller coaster to start again. I pray hard for pregnant women and their unborn babies. I hope that I am wrong and I never have to help someone else through this. I'm not strong enough. I still hurt too much. I'm not sure the pain will ever go away. How much help would I be to someone if I'm crying too hard to comfort them?
When we went through the trouble at our previous church I wondered what the purpose was. Now that we're out I can see clearly why it happened. We're at a healthy, thriving church filled with loving, Christian people. We are out of a very toxic environment. It is very clear why that happened. A year and a half after losing Nathan I still see no big purpose to it. No why, just pain and more pain. Sure, there are little things here and there; things Nathan taught me, but all I can think is, why couldn't I have learned these lessons another way? Why did it have to be through losing him? People tell me, "oh, maybe Nathan had something wrong with him and that's why he's gone." What they don't get is I loved him anyway. It sounds like they are telling me I'm better off without him. Never. People think it's okay now that Henry is here. I love Henry. I would die for him, the same as I would Jack, Anna, or Katherine. And I would have died for Nathan, too. I want the impossible. I want Henry and Nathan, too. No parent should ever be left here on earth while their baby is in the grave. And I'm not sure I will ever fully understand why this had to happen. And I pray with each pregnancy I learn about that it does not happen to them. It's a pain I wish on no one. It's a pain I wish I didn't have to experience. I still miss him everyday. Why, God? Why do you get to hold him and I don't?
Honestly?
ReplyDeleteAt some point, Sarah, you either accept this (yes, you've had a TERRIBLE loss that will never be replaced) or you don't.
It is what it is.
But you get to choose how you're going to live given that you've experienced this terrible loss.
I've had a couple of miscarriages, lost both my parents at a young age, and have read your blog since its inception, so I'm going to take the liberty of gently challenging you a bit on this.
There may not be a "why". My guess is that there will NOT be a "why".
It's normal that at this time of year, that you would remember and grieve. But I wonder if you might be doing more than just normal grieving. I wonder if, perhaps, you might be stuck. I wonder if you might be suffering from a type of post traumatic stress, and might need to get some help to get un-stuck.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to grieve. I'm saying that the intensity of your grief does not seem to have lessened with time, and that this could be hindering your ability to enjoy your life.
What about the blessings you DO have?
Do you spend your days wondering why you have those?
How were you so blessed to have been given those, when plenty of other people do not have anything even approaching the number of blessings that you have?
You don't need to publish or keep this comment. It's one woman's opinion. But I'd encourage you to run it past your husband or someone close to you that you trust, and hear their response to what I've said here.
I've tried to say it with love, but my words may not have been easy or pleasant to hear, and I'm sorry for any pain they may have caused. My intent is to help you ultimately find greater joy and freedom in your life.
Thank you for your comments, Susan. I feel like things are better. I am having days like this less frequently as time goes on. I do agree that there is probably some PTSD here. Between several other deaths, some family problems, Nathan's loss, and what happened at our previous church we are feeling a little shell-shocked. Things are getting better, though. Time and good experiences are slowly healing those wounds. And not a day goes by that I do not thank God for all of the blessings we have. They are too many to list. Nathan's loss makes our time with our four children just a little sweeter.
ReplyDelete