I just want to point out that this blog is here to help me sort through my feelings and possibly help others through my experiences. What you see, for the most part, are the bad days. I think the fact that I hadn't posted since December of last year speaks volumes. Things are busy here. I'm teaching my three oldest while taking care of Henry (8 months old tomorrow!) I have lots of good days now. We have settled at a new church and have gotten down to the business of getting to know the people there and seeing where we fit in. Every time we hear our pastor preach we take one more step toward healing past hurts. He has reminded us that Nathan's loss is not our fault. It's not a sin on our part that caused it like has been suggested to us in the past. We are reassured over and over that what happened at our previous church is not our fault. Sometimes the worst sinners are in the pulpit.
I have struggled over the past few months in my relationship with God. I have questioned His character and my own worthiness of His love. I have been reminded that God is not human and we cannot use human standards to understand His ways. I have learned that I need to rest in Him and stop trying to earn my way to Heaven. I can't do it. Jesus did it for me. I am weary. I needed to hear that. I needed to rest. I needed to escape the legalism I thought I had already left behind.
This blog is just a small part of my life. People need to know that what they are feeling is normal. They need to see that there is no time limit on grief. There is no map to get through it. You don't wake up one day and say, "That's it, I'm done grieving." It is a process. I can say that the farther out you get, the farther apart the bad days are. I can tell you that what you feel is normal. Don't let other people tell you how to grieve. Don't let anyone else tell you when you should be done. But take care not to get stuck in your grief. Grief is a journey and progress should be made. How much progress is an individual thing. You may take one step forward and three steps back sometimes. That is okay. Just take it one day at a time. Some seem to be over a loss quickly, others are still grieving years later. Grief is messy and very personal. I share my journey, but it is solely mine. Your journey will be different; it has to be. I just hope and pray that you will read my journey and get some comfort from it.
Oh, Sara, I had no idea that you have been hurting so much. I have never loss a child but I did lose my father when I was 11 and it took me many years to get through that grief. My mother never has and turned her back on God. I just learned this last year that she does not really even believe in God. This has scared me because she is 85 years old and I want so much for her to know Christ as Savior before she dies. Anyway, you are so right that we all grieve differently and the process varies with each person. I think we all question our worthiness of God's love and our salvation at some time in our lives. Whenever I feel so unworthy I just remind myself of God's faithfulness and undying love for David, an adulterer and a murderer. If He can love David then He can love me. I think you have written a beautifully honest and heart-felt blog. Thank you for your openness in sharing your pain and your journey.
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